The beginning is here yet again. The first week of school is over and both my students and I are in the awkward transition from nervous apprehension to unconditional love. I have registered all my student's families, tested all of my students and spent five consecutive eight hour schools days with my newbies. History is not so much repeating itself, but improving itself.
As a teacher, I have learned that people learn new information best by attaching the new to what is already known in their own minds. Therefore, I will call my inability to separate the connectedness of August of last year to the present as pure human instinct. I find it impossible to reflect on my first week of school now without comparing it to my first week of school one year ago. So humor me as my analysis of the present is inextricably linked to the past.
First and foremost, as people are instinctively self-oriented, I cannot help but compare my own mental state now to my mental state last year. I am caught in a paradox this year as I find myself feeling quite overwhelmed despite a comparatively underwhelming situation. Last year, despite knowing nothing about teaching, children or early childhood, having no real connections in New Orleans and barely being old enough to consume alcohol, I did not feel as stressed as I feel now. I had so much more to stress about, a smaller support system and less knowledge, yet somehow I managed to survive each day feeling tired, but not overwhelmed. Call it flight or fight if you will, but somehow I learned to numb myself to what was out of my control and focus on the little that was in y control, resulting in a somewhat sound state of mind. However, this year, I have it more together but feel more stressed than ever. With a stronger support system and more knowledge, I am finding more and more within my control (creating added pressure to use the control) and conversely, finding myself more frustrated at that which is outside of my control, perhaps explaining my confusing feelings.
On the flip side, I find my confidence in my own abilities exponentially increased. Last year I never slept well on a Sunday night, especially not the Sunday before my first day of teaching. Each Sunday I would work tirelessly all day compiling materials for the week, lesson planning and trying not to drown in the pressures of the job. I would work myself to the bone and still lay wide awake 5 hours after going to bed, anxious and excited for how my newest plans would manifest themselves. Now I spend Sundays still working to the bone, but without the nervous pit in my stomach. I sleep soundly at night and come to school excited, but not nervous for the start of the week. I think I really saw the change this week when on my third day of teaching (and therefore the third day of school for my kids EVER) the CEO of my school (public school equivalent of a superintendent) walked into my room unannounced and plopped himself down on a chair and watched me teach for about 30 minutes. Oh and it was my birthday. I kept teaching without my voice even faltering in tone and at several points even forgot he was in the room. In fact, it was not until he left 30 minutes later that I realized my palms were pretty sweaty and remembered why. Had the CEO walked in last year, I am almost positive I would have either passed out, ran out or had nightmares about it for weeks to come. After surviving and on occasion, thriving, last year, I have a belief in my own abilities I did not possess last year. Last year I had to prove to more people than I should have that I was competent and able as a teacher. It took until the beginning of this year until I realized that somewhere along the way, I proved it to myself as well.
Everything about this week has been amazing. Things that were painstakingly challenging for me last year are second nature to me this year. I am slowly being given and taking up more responsibility as a professional while also pushing myself to new levels as a teacher, particularly in the development of relationships with student's parent and home involvement. The week before school started, I had some incredible people in my life donate to a school library for my children and created a homework help DVD for my children's parents. By all measures, this year is off to a wonderful start. While there are so many areas I need to improve on, for the first time, I feel like I am starting to become a fraction of the teacher I want to be.
My children this year are absolutely astounding. Firstly, my 12 returning Pre-K students have been blowing my mind in Kindergarten. Even T, the bane of my existence last year. After crying non stop for one whole year in my class, he went two whole days of Kinder without a tear. My students are well-adjusted, joyful and hard-working. Everything I wanted them to be in Kinder and more. I am SO proud of them. My newbies are an interesting bunch. One adorable boy, O, has comprehension skills that could compete with some of the 2nd graders at the school, but has tantrums of astronomical proportions. In any given day, he will answer every single question with complete accuracy and then some and then turn around, call me a stupid animal and hit me square in the face with a stick at recess (which hurt by the way). F, the 13th of 14 children in a family with no income and a mother who is completely illiterate is quickly becoming my favorite. She cries at least the first hour of every day for her sister and the last ten minutes of every day that she wants to get on the bus (while walking out TO the bus), eats like a slob (including spitting apple skins onto the floor of my classroom), throws woodchips at other girls because she does not like them and sneaks juice into a brown paper bag which she hides under her blanket and sucks down like a 40 during nap time. She cannot accurately identify one color, letter, number or shape, but she has a sassy personality that would melt the most hardened of hearts. N, one of several of my students with a disability, has a severe physical disability but plays harder and more joyfully than all my other students combined at recess (and sometimes while I am in the middle of a lesson). And lastly, R, my most energetic (often synonymous with challenging) student goes from dancing his heart out by himself and screaming loudly (and usually incorrectly) the words of whatever song we are learning to calling the special education teacher a punk. I thought it would take longer than a week, but I must admit, I am head over heels in love with my new Pre-K crew. They are wild, they are way low academically and they have seen some things in their short lives, but I would not have it any other way. I love them and I am so confident of the amazing things they will accomplish this year. My hope is that their achievements this year make my Pre-K class from last year look like amateurs.
I hope my reflection does not come off as narcissistic or unrealistic, but as an accurate portrayal of what it is like to go from practically drowning to surprisingly floating. I am more prepared this year and more determined than ever, so I know it is going to be an exceptional year. I will settle for nothing less.
"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence" -Mark Twain
