The Eve of My 21st

I have come to the striking conclusion that the world is so much bigger than myself these past few weeks. It may seem trite and it may seem obvious, but this is a genuine message I have encountered before and will encounter again. I remember grasping this reality when I was trudging through the ever encompassing foliage of the village of Zirobwe hauling heavy gerry cans of water as small and strong children of Africa smiled sweetly and shyly as I labored. I remember seeing a peek of the truth late at night at a hospital holding the hand of a woman who was homeless as she awaited her sexual assault examination, hurt, but not broken. But somewhere in between the meaningful moments in Africa, in the hospital, at the home of a person with HIV, I forgot how meaningless my personal woes are in the grand scheme.

This post may be preachy; however, for those of you who know me, you know I am opinionated and unafraid to offend, so preachy is consequentially, the way I was born to be.

As someone devoted to independence, personal freedom and self reliance, I have spent my whole life lecturing my friends on codependency in relationships, insisting on doing things by myself and craving the adventures in new places with few to no connections (despite the fact that I know it terrifies my family, particularly my dad--sorry dad). But these days I am realizing just how interconnected and interdependent we all really are.

I have worked so hard this week. As I have worked so hard every week this summer. Tomorrow is my 21st birthday and my plans to celebrate are none. I will go to work at 6am, I will most likely work until 8, 9 or 10 o clock. Then, as a zombie, I will retreat to my room, collapse on my bed and dream feverishly of how much more I could be helping my students. But this does not upset me. How can I live with myself if I sit around and wish that I had some blow out party for the "biggest birthday of my life" when I have the both the incredible opportunity and tremendous responsibility of helping 20 young children leap over the bottomless correlation between low socioeconomic status and low academic success? How can I possibly concern myself with shots, bars and beers when I have the alphabet, classroom conduct and counting in my mind? Maybe I need more work-life balance as my coworkers, friends and roommates reiterate to me, but I disagree. Sure I am working a lot. Sure it is the only 21st birthday I will ever have, but I LOVE my kids and I believe if you truly love someone, you will do everything and anything for them. So despite the disapproval of 2o somethings all over the world, I will choose to acknowledge that I am small, the trivial details of my life are just that-trivial, and I will work relentlessly for positive change, even if it means an anti-climatic answer to future "How did you celebrate your 21st?" questions in late night conversations. Besides, I have always considered myself a bit existentialist when it comes to stereotypical celebrations, so here is just one more way I can fight the man, so to speak.

Joking aside, I am beginning to really know my kids. I wish I could tell you they are improving rapidly, learning a lot and now act like angels in the class, but I am not that good of a teacher and it just takes time. But I will get them there. Instead, I am starting to jump into the depths of the harsh reallities some of my children have faced at only four. One of my kids called me a m____ f____ wh___ in class the other day, giving me a glimpse into the horrible things he has already witnessed at such a young and tender age. This child has also been recycled through many foster homes already, probably explaining his behavior disturbances at only four. Another child's mom gave me the picture of a man who is never allowed in school due to a previously abusive relationship and another child reminded me quietly that her dad was dead. I am by no means blaming the parents of any children or trying to give evil characteristics to my student's families, so many family members have been so supportive, giving and loving towards their child and really committed to their academic progress. Instead, I am just stating the fact that my kids have it hard. How can I complain over a lack of sleep or an inadequately diet when I am stuffing a couple of my kids backpacks with food on Friday, knowing that food will be scarce over the weekend.

I have worked in low income communities for a long time in many different respects. Whether it was with people who were homeless, in the slums and villages of Africa or at community centers, I have definitely been exposed to the truth. But as mentioned before, it is easy to forget. I just get so caught up in to-do lists, interactions and day to day ponderings that I forget to reflect and walk in the shoes of my students. So here I am, a social work major well acquianted with the haves and the have nots, letting it sink in like it is new information. Not to make excuses for poor grades, unacceptable behavior or lack of drive in my students, but to understand and push. My students do not have life easy, but if I let that get in the way of my instruction and expectations, I will keep them exactly where they are. So I have to both acknowledge and emphasize with the struggles of my students, but also PUSH PUSH PUSH for the best work possible so that just maybe, their life can get easier. Obviously not now at the ripe age of 4, but maybe at 20. Maybe their 21st birthday can be spent in financial security, surrounded with a life of meaning, purpose and drive working towards something bigger than themselves. I also realize that at least in part, I will not assume to know how large of a part, they depend on me to get them there. It is a big responsibility and one that I took willingly. Yes I am tired, yes I want a break, but I took on this responsibility because it is the only fulfillment in life worth seeking in my eyes. So yes, at nearly 21, I have decided to make myself small for the larger cause of my students and I am completely content in my decision.

So if you think I am losing my mind, forgetting to care for myself or fallen off the face of the planet, you are probably right, but please understand that I am doing it for something bigger than myself. In the reality of the world, we are all connected and my happiness depends on the development and success of my students, not on my social life, free time or anything else.

I love you all and please keep my students in your thoughts!

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garmet of destiny. Whatever affects on directly, affects all indirectly." -Martin Luther King Jr.

Another Beginning.

Life has moved fast these past two weeks. It is hard to believe I only posted 12 days ago because it quite literally feels like a century ago. In the past two weeks I have moved into a new house, transformed a classroom from an empty room (not a desk, chair or rug to be seen) to a room full of centers, posters and 20 untamed but loveable four year olds. I survived (with some bruises and cuts) my first week of teaching as a first year teacher in a first year school.

I must admit after working with third graders this summer, I thought I would have it easy with my little pre-k kids this year. I thought, even though institute was hard, I will have more time to prepare my classroom, I will have more resources at my school and how hard can it really be to work with four year olds? How far behind can they really be? They are little sponges, they haven't learned how to oppose authority yet, they haven't learned to be afraid of their own potential or how to hurt. I was wrong. SO wrong.

Do NOT get me wrong, I LOVE my kids. But they are a handful. I thought before I started, between myself and my para, how hard can classroom management really be? How out of hand can my kids really get? Well, I had not met who we will call "T" yet. I knew who T was before I even met him. Bright and early Monday morning, I was approached by another teacher who said, "You have T don't you?". Checking my roster, I looked down and agreed and asked why. "He wet his pants" she answered matter of factly. And that was the beginning. T is the most loveable child I have ever met, but also incredibly exhausting. He runs everywhere. He runs around the classroom, he runs down the hall, he sometimes gets up and runs out the door. He hits. He hits other students, he hits teachers and he hits everything that can be hit. Not to mention, he screams. When he does not get his way, he screams. If you hold him down (which we constantly have to do for his own safety and the safety of his classmates) he erupts into the loudest cry I have ever heard. His favorite word is NO. I hear it 24/7. He is a living, breathing, screaming tornado. He pulls things off the wall, out of boxes, out of cubbies and then has the audacity to tell me something is not where it goes with an insistent point of a finger. But oh my god, is this kid loveable. When T is good, he is an angel. Several of the boys and girls in the class have "missing mommy" syndrome, where they cry periodically throughout the day for their mommy to come back. When this happens, T often goes up to the crying child and rubs his/her back and says, it will be okay, don't cry. He greets me with a HUGE hug most mornings and sits up with the most proud posture with the mention of the positive behavior he is exhibiting. Oh my god he knows how to make me mad, but at the end of the day he is just a four year old boy with a huge personality, an endearing smile, contagious laugh and an obsession with his stuffed horse. He is adorable and smart, but takes the full attention of the classroom.

The rest of my kids are manageable with two teachers; however, since my para is constantly on T patrol, it often ends up being a 19:1 ratio of students to myself, which is not manageable when three of students constantly want mommy and six of my students show their emotions by hitting, punching or pinching. Not to mention the occassional pants wetting, throw up or spill (we don't have janitors by the way). I could type for pages about the funny personalities and quirks of my students and I've only known them a week. G is a little businessman who wants to grow up to be an IT guy and constantly gets in trouble for wrestling with his best friend in the class. Tr is a sassy girl who loves to get up in the middle of rug time while I'm in mid sentence come up and try to sit in my lap, tell me someone pinched her (even though she ALWAYS pinches first) or crossing her legs for dramatic effect, demand that she HAS to use it NOW. She has also been known to wear about a thousand hair decorations in her hair just to oppose the tyranny of school uniforms imposing on her ever growing fashion sense.

So this week I have been working 13, 14, 15 hours day trying to problem solve, prepare and get my head above water. I have this crazy idea that when I can get T under control (which I am SO confident I can once I figure out how his precious little mind works), I can really start teaching my kids. Then today happened. One of my students who has been a no show came into class today for the first time. Just when I thought T could not be outdone, in walked C, who promptly shyly took a seat, looking nervous and holding a tissue to his nose (which I assumed was to keep his sinuses in line, which are currently plaguing the entirety of the school, including myself). I did my best to make him feel welcome and being told he had special needs, but not being told what specifically, I let him sit quietly and observe the other kids before asking him to immerse. Working in our centers for about two minutes while C watched, I heard a noise and looked over to see C scream, hit himself hard in the nose and begin bleeding everywhere (did I mention we don't have a janitor). Of course, four year olds FLIP out when they see this so my para rushed him out of the room while I tried to bring order to the other 17 kids, keep T from running out of the classroom and oh yeah, clean up the blood as quickly as possible. This happened two more times over the course of the day.

So yeah, I am in over my head. Life is not easy. I am sick, I am working 13-15 hours day and plan to work at least 20 hours this weekend (but definitely not tonight). However, I am not broken. I hope you do not think this blog is meant to complain, as it is meant to reflect. I am confident I can overcome the craziness that is my classroom environment right now. Already, T has been making very minimal, but nonetheless substantial gains. The rest of my class does have serious behavior issues (especially the hitting, punching and pinching), but we can move past that. With hard hard hard work, patience and diligence, I know I can get there. With proper accommodations for C, a behavior plan that works for T and a commitment to teaching my pre k kids what it means to be in school, I can open up the classroom for learning.

Last year, my charter network only had 40% of kindergarten ready for 1st grade at the end of the year. Now, this is a huge improvement from before the charter took over the failing school, it was only the first year of the charter and the kinder students started substantially behind grade level (as odd as that sounds). Yet still, that means 60% of kinder students were already victim to the achievement gap, at five years old in a high performing school. This is the first year of pre-k in the charter district and I will NOT allow myself to let my 20 little munchkins go to Kinder without being Kinder ready and above. The achievement gap starts before the kids ever even enter into the school grounds and I am round zero, I am the first chance to catch my kids up before they get 2, 3, 4 years behind. If it means 60-80 hours + weeks every week so be it. I will not rest until T, C and all my other little scholars are ready for kinder. So if you are my personal friend and you feel abandoned by my lack of communication, know that I love you, I just have a big task in front of me. Keep me in your thoughts and know that I miss you! I did not come to New Orleans to teach, I came to New Orleans to change the life trajectory of all my students and as silly as it sounds to think I can impact someone that much at 4 years old, I am going to work knowing that any step in the right direction is impactful for any student at any age. I leave you with this.....

“What is happening to our world is almost too colossal for human comprehension to contain…To contemplate its girth and its circumference, to attempt to define it, to try and fight it all at once, is impossible. The only way to combat it is by fighting specific wars in specific ways.”
-Arundhati Roy

The Close of Institute

On a rainy Sunday afternoon in New Orleans, I sit in the comfort of a nostalgic double dorm room and look back on the past few weeks of my life.

Institute is over. Five weeks later and leaving New Orleans for Atlanta seems like a century ago. I worked with nine potential filled 3rd grade reading students desperate to make it to 4th grade putting in my best teaching effort. But my results are not impressive. Transformational summer change is not a way I would describe my student's experience, although every drop of blood in my heart wishes I could say otherwise. At the beginning of the summer, we tested our kids DRA score (or reading level score) and hoped to improve their score by 6 points on the same test by the end of the summer. That was our measurable goal. Obviously, our bigger goal was for our students to pass the CRCT (the ticket to 4th grade), but with the results not coming for weeks and the logistics of communication, we cannot measure that goal. So we got our results for our measurable goal and they were, quite frankly, average. We had three students meet their goal.

One of our students who reached his goal was the smartest in the class when looking at reading level and general comprehension, however, he had a strong history of misbehaving (mostly from never wanting to stop talking) and was easily distracted. By the end of the summer, he had really internalized the message that hard work=fourth grade, college and beyond and worked hard. While he was the best reader at the beginning, he stilled improved his reading drastically and I am proud of that. However, if I could go back, there are a few things I would change about my work with him. He did not improve enough. He worked hard, but not his hardest. His behavior was inconsistent (perfect sometimes, destructional to learning often) and he knew he was smart, but did not apply himself fully all the time. From other students and our faculty adviser, I heard he rushed through the CRCT and likely failed it again (last time he failed because he got distracted and didn't read the story). Sure he improved, but I am hesitant to say it was enough. That is on me. If I could go back, I would change a lot of what I did with him. I really showed him I knew he was smart (because he was SO smart), but I did not show him how when he got distracted/off task in class, it negatively impacted him. I let him get away with misbehaving often because his break down after was too much work to deal with and I knew he would still generally get the material if he half listened. I am upset with myself for doing this and wish I had another chance, but as is the paradox of summer school, time is so very limited.

Another one of our goal reachers was the second lowest reader in the class. This student started out the year very nonexceptionally. He listened in class, he paid attention and he was generally liked among his peers. He frequently talked out of turn and rarely grasped the material, but he was likeable. However, a few days into school, we learned that this student would do ANYTHING for us if we told him we would write a note home to his grandma about his good behavior. He conducted a 360 academically, socially and behaviorally when we discovered this gem. He was the ONLY student who did his homework every single night without fail and even asked to fix his homework during lunch so he could master. Obviously, he won our race to the top, CRCT competition. He raised his hand frantically at every class question and was the first to volunteer to pass out papers, help another student or act as a "line monitor". He began mastering daily objectives from day to day and while he still got in trouble frequently (usually for loud exhales of frustration when we didn't call on him), he was truly invested in learning. Not to mention, the last week of school, he stopped even remembering to ask for letters home and simply worked hard because he loved learning. I say with certainty that he learned more this summer than any of the other students and if I were to guess if anyone passed the CRCT, it was him, our second lowest reader. We definitely did something right with him. The last day of class, we had every student share what they wanted to be when they grew up and this student said proudly with a puffed chest, "President of the United States".

Our other student who met his goal I must say honestly I did not predict would at the beginning of the year. This student was exceptionally quiet in class, never volunteering, rarely answering (and if he did answer, it was inaudible) when asked even nonacademic questions by a teacher, and generally sporting an "I don't care" attitude. He had 14 brothers and sisters and told us after awhile that his dad was in jail. Observing him with his peers at lunch, it was obvious he was a cool kid. He walked with a certain swagger and was always elbowing and whispering jokes to his friends at lunch before erupting into hyena like laughter. Not only did he carry himself like a cool kid, but he had a mohawk just to seal the deal. Despite this bad boy attitude, this student HATED getting in trouble. HATED it. This student moving his card down resulted in head on the desk silent tears for at least the next 30 minutes of class. It was so obvious this student was terrified of failure and just tried to be as invisible as possible during class. Not only were breakdowns caused by bad behavior, but by wrong answers or even the friendly, but dire reminder that we need to take summer school seriously, or the fourth grade would not happen. We worked SO hard with this student, trying to understand him, invest him and get him involved. I am not quite sure how we did it, but somehow we got him there. He became a model student, raising his hand frantically to answer questions, working well with a partner to try to find the right answer during guided reading and sitting with his chest puffed up in active listening position patiently waiting for his peers to do the same. His assessments were up and down. Some, he exceled at. Others, despite his best listening, he just didn't get. Same with the breakdowns. Some days, he freaked out. Other days were good days. But we got better at measuring this student, knowing how he would react and keeping him upbeat and confident in the hard times. Personally, this student was one of my favorites. I wish I could have had more time with him to REALLY get through some of those fear of failure things more than just as little as we did this summer. I think our gains with this student were wholly positive and he was definitely a challenge, but I am not sure if he passed the CRCT. I think he was committed and I am sure he gave it his all, but honestly, he had a long way to go to get there and we never quite got his behavior consistent enough to really teach him. Hopefully, we can be optimistic though that maybe the engagement stage we finally got him in (at least usually) will be transferred to either his repeat of 3rd grade or beginning of 4th grade year. Only time will tell it seems.

Our other five students improved, but not by our goal. I am not suprised at this fact, and I could go into a case study of all five of the students and what I could of, should of and would of change, but there is one more student I must highlight first.

Our student who de-proved. It breaks my heart. She was such a sweetheart. Never once did you have to tell this student to pay attention, her eyes were always locked on you, she was silent in class and she followed every direction. Also, I was her favorite teacher. She would frequently write on papers, I love Ms. Knipp or grab my hand in the morning walking in the hall. She was a very low reader, but an amazingly well behaved student. She was that student who you almost forgot about because she was just so much easier than the other students. And I forgot about her. And her scores show it. She did not get the material. She simply didn't. She did not volunteer in class, unless we said something like, "good fourth graders always raise their hands, even if they might not be right" and her hand would shoot up silently. She never passed the assessments. She never mastered the homework, although she did it nightly. And I just accepted it. She was so well behaved and was doing the work, so why does she need special attention? Why did I let her turn in homework that was NOT perfect, when I could have had to redo it at lunch, like I had my other student do? Why did I not call on her more to make sure she was really listening and not just looking at me? Why didn't I tutor her during breakfast (surely she would have loved the attention) or spend more time with her during guided practice making she was grasping the material when I was usually trying to get the other kids on task? I simply let her fall through the cracks. I joined TFA to keep people from falling into the cracks, and here I am five weeks later, with the student who loved me most falling face first. I am positive she did not pass her CRCT. I am sure she learned little to nothing in class. And, somehow, she actually became a worse reader than she was the beginning of the summer. I am ashamed of my work with this student and I hope that someone else down the road can be the teacher for her I was not.

Teaching is hard. Teaching low income students with an ingrained history of failure, a litany of home issues and limited resources is harder. Yeah, I have some good stories. I did some things this summer to really help my students grow. But, it was not enough. There is so much more I could have done and absolutely should have done. I am regretful for so much, but reflective of the changes I must make so that I never have another student de-prove on my watch.

On Monday, I start my first week of professional development with Renew. The next Monday, I meet my Pre-K kids. I am optimistic, but also cautious. I want my last blog at the end of the year to speak to EVERY one of my students meeting their big goal. I want every story to be one of inspiration, not just one or two. This is not my job, it is my calling and commitment. I am not teaching to pay the bills, I am teaching to change students lives, even 3 year olds. Sure there are so many things I can blame for my less than impressive results this summer, but I refuse to do so. Home issues, school logistics, student starting points are out of my control. However, my work ethic and commitment are one hundred percent in my control. Therefore, I am going to take control and take ownership that my students results depend on myself alone. This year is going to be hard, but I will do this for my students because all students deserve the education I had and better. I want my student this summer to become the President and I know he can. I need to give the tools to all my students to reach even their most far-reaching goals as such.

So I leave you with this quote. It may be dark, but I think it fits with the reflective and oppositional nature of my summer.

"Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was though a young person died for no reason. In those days, though, the spring always came finally but it was frightening that it had nearly failed."
-Ernest Hemingway (A Moveable Feast)

In other news, I should be moved into an adorable four bedroom house over the course of the next week with three TFA teachers, so Hotel Hannah should be opened up for business soon for my closest friends and family, if my work schedule gives me any breaks (which feels unlikely). Also, I should have an address soon, so if you want it, let me know.

Love and miss you all!