Things are looking up. Amongst the craziness that is a class full of 4 year olds, good things are happening.
I realized this on Monday morning this week when in the writing center, one of my brightest students was drawing smiley faces on a paper with concentration and focus. I watched him as he found T's laminated name and etched silently the letters of his name onto the paper. He was mimicking the behavior tracker I use with T daily. He showed me sheepishly and said, Ms. Knipp, I want T to get all smiley faces every single day and when he can get all smiley faces, I want to give him one of my toys.
I realized this on Tuesday when I was so sick I could barely speak and the students asked me with the sweetest hesitation what was wrong with my voice and actually WERE quieter when I told them I was very sick. Then on Thursday, when my voice came back, when the students were overjoyed to see that Ms. Knipp was feeling better and hoped I did not get sick again.
I realized this on Wednesday when I discovered that C asks with intrigue and concern everyday where so and so is, depending on who is absent. C, who seemed to look through the other kids the first week of school, is always the first to notice an absent student and the first to comment on the Superstar of the Day. Due to C's behavior issues, he even has a quiet place in his room where he can work and on Wednesday, he let T and another student play with him there because he wanted to share.
I realized this on Thursday when G (one of my three year olds) was sitting in my small group with me and raised a quiet hand to tell me, Ms. Knipp, I love you.
I realized this on Friday when my students spontaneously burst into song during center time singing the song we had been singing every morning in morning meeting, ___ is here, ___ is here, it's a great day because ___ is here (inserting the name of every classmate as we go around the circle).
Behavior is getting better every single day. Academics are still far off, but I now have data and assessments which will give me a better idea of where to go with my kids. And now we have a little community.
Personally, it was a rough week. I had flu like symptoms at the beginning of the week which included two days of essentially losing my voice and one day spent running in and out of the bathroom to throw up while teaching. But with this sickness, I forced myself to take better care of myself. At this point, I have only worked 58 hours this week and I plan to work no more than 4 tomorrow. It is still a lot, but compared to the 80 average I have going, it is something. I went out to dinner on a school night, I came home before 6 most nights and tonight I am going to a pool party. I even went on a run today, which was perfect for endorphins, exploration and mind clearing. Things are slowing down and looking up.
I am not a great teacher yet, in fact I am increasingly mediocre. But I am learning quick and improving rapidly. When I look back to the first day of school to now, I feel like I have grown more in five short weeks than I did in an entire year of college. Maybe in my entire three years of college---okay maybe not, but close. This realization helps me remain optimistic and driven in the face of sickness, low test results and still serious behavior issues.
So today, for perhaps the first time since teaching, I write a post where I focus fully and wholeheartedly on the successes. It took awhile, but I have a community of caring in my corner of the school and that is something. We still have issues with pushing, shoving, tattle telling, name calling and lack of sharing, but nonetheless a solid foundation has formed. Next step, to increase the caring and additionally create a community of academic curiosity and drive.
Keep me in your thoughts and please don't worry. My job is difficult, but rewarding and my heart is in it 100%. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
I miss and love you all!
"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." -Albert Einstein
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Academic Awakening
*Note: This was originally written Sunday afternoon. I forgot I never posted it until just now. Enjoy!*
Before absorbing the afternoon ponderings of an exhausted soul, please excuse the stream of consciousness writing and lack of attention to detail and focus on the content, not the subpar presentation of the following message....
After another unholy amount of work this week, things are coming together in some areas and falling apart in others. I am learning how to really manage C and T and the routines and procedures of my classroom are finally starting to sink in with my students, making me feel less like a failure at the end of every day. One of the higher ups came into my classroom this week and said in a shocked voice, "Wow, it is like a completely different classroom this week compared to last week." Torn between taking it as a compliment and an insult, I choose to ignore the burn of the obvious shock in her voice and focus on the message--I am getting it together. My focused and relentless work is paying off, at least slightly. My students are not quite there behaviorally, but every day it gets a little more in reach. T is having less frequent tantrums and even got recess for the first time ever on Thursday, earning him the coveted title of the "Superstar of the Day." C only hit himself once over the entire week, left me with no visible markings (although I did get hit more than once) and even began to significantly reduce the episodes of cursing and running out of the classroom. C and T are adapting well to the happy/frowney face system, craving happy faces like little addicts and communicating well how their behavior relates to the subsequent faces. The entire class is also aware of and invested in helping C and T get their smiley faces and occassionally asking for smiley faces themselves (which I draw with my finger on their hands as a happy compromise). Overall, my students are transitioning more smoothly, following directions quicker and beginning to share and interact in a more healthy way. I can ALMOST take a breather after one entire month of teaching.
But then comes the scary part. Academics. With my intensity of focus on culture, behavior and routine, the end of the first unit is almost to an end and my goals are NOT going to be met. I just finished creating my unit one assessment (letter identification, name recognition, number recognition, shape recognition, colors, etc) and am realizing how many objectives I barely covered, skimmed over or rushed through due to behavioral concerns. Granted it is only the first unit of the first quarter of the year, but I was hoping to NOT already be behind. Unfortunately, unless I REALLY make some HUGE changes in the next week, most of my students (even my highest performing students) will probably not master the objectives from unit one. Of course when creating my year long plan, I left some wiggle room for remediation and back tracking, but I am nervous that I let myself neglect academics so much in the first month of teaching. Obviously, I thoroughly lesson planned each day, worked hard to stick to my schedule as much as possible and taught what I said I would teach, but the truth of the matter is my kids are not at the point I claimed I would have them at right now academically. My mind keeps pouring over the studies screaming the importance of Pre-K and readiness for Kindergarten on long term success and the guilt and worry at my own inadequacy as a teacher sinks in so deeply. I need to step up my game and do whatever it takes to get my kids where they need to be. I need to get creative and start implementing learning at EVERY point in the day. Recess, breakfast, lunch, bathroom breaks need to be filled with color flash cards, number flash cards and alphabet flash cards. Afternoon pick ups need to be reiterations of the lessons of the day and communication with parents about what to reinforce at home needs to be exponentially expanded. In all honesty, at the rate I am going, my Pre-K kids will not be ready for Kinder by next year so I have to step it up. I am just glad I have reached this realization now and not in December, while I still have time.
So as my roommates and TFA corps member friends finish their first week of teaching, I complete my first month, excited about my progress and strides in behavior, but scared of my neglect of academia. I have a lot of work to do.
Personally, I am exhausted. The last day I did not go into work was July 11th, over one month ago. All the deacons of the church where the school is located know my name and know that I am a workaholic, as they tap their toes late at night, waiting to lock up, as I beg for just five more minutes. The last time I worked less than 80 hours a week was the end of the May (right before TFA Institute). I am counting down the days until intercession (a three week break for year round schools) and praying that I will look back on my first quarter with pride and not regret, but nervous it will be reversed, a blow I am not sure I can take. I find myself a little homesick for the people I love and oddly sad to not be at RA training right now with my TCU friends (a phrase I never thought I would say) gearing up for another year with crazy 18 year olds experiencing their first taste of freedom. But alas, I am content despite the difficulty with things as they are right now. As cliche and narcassistic as it may sound, I do not believe there is anything more meaningful for me to be doing than the work I am doing right now. My kids love me so fully and without inhibition in a way that makes it impossible to let the intensity and pressure of the work t0 burden me. And vice versa. Plus in the roughest moments, the ridiculousness of the words that come out of four year olds mouths sweeten and lighten the urgency, often leaving me muffling back giggles when I should be enforcing the rules.
In reality, my students probably won't remember their experiences in Pre-K, I surely do not, but deep down I know the influence that I have the opportunity to have in their life is sensational and impactful, even if from day to day it often seems menial. I am not ready to give up yet and will keep fighting.
"Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting." -Napoleon Hill
I love you all and miss you! I'll see you September
Before absorbing the afternoon ponderings of an exhausted soul, please excuse the stream of consciousness writing and lack of attention to detail and focus on the content, not the subpar presentation of the following message....
After another unholy amount of work this week, things are coming together in some areas and falling apart in others. I am learning how to really manage C and T and the routines and procedures of my classroom are finally starting to sink in with my students, making me feel less like a failure at the end of every day. One of the higher ups came into my classroom this week and said in a shocked voice, "Wow, it is like a completely different classroom this week compared to last week." Torn between taking it as a compliment and an insult, I choose to ignore the burn of the obvious shock in her voice and focus on the message--I am getting it together. My focused and relentless work is paying off, at least slightly. My students are not quite there behaviorally, but every day it gets a little more in reach. T is having less frequent tantrums and even got recess for the first time ever on Thursday, earning him the coveted title of the "Superstar of the Day." C only hit himself once over the entire week, left me with no visible markings (although I did get hit more than once) and even began to significantly reduce the episodes of cursing and running out of the classroom. C and T are adapting well to the happy/frowney face system, craving happy faces like little addicts and communicating well how their behavior relates to the subsequent faces. The entire class is also aware of and invested in helping C and T get their smiley faces and occassionally asking for smiley faces themselves (which I draw with my finger on their hands as a happy compromise). Overall, my students are transitioning more smoothly, following directions quicker and beginning to share and interact in a more healthy way. I can ALMOST take a breather after one entire month of teaching.
But then comes the scary part. Academics. With my intensity of focus on culture, behavior and routine, the end of the first unit is almost to an end and my goals are NOT going to be met. I just finished creating my unit one assessment (letter identification, name recognition, number recognition, shape recognition, colors, etc) and am realizing how many objectives I barely covered, skimmed over or rushed through due to behavioral concerns. Granted it is only the first unit of the first quarter of the year, but I was hoping to NOT already be behind. Unfortunately, unless I REALLY make some HUGE changes in the next week, most of my students (even my highest performing students) will probably not master the objectives from unit one. Of course when creating my year long plan, I left some wiggle room for remediation and back tracking, but I am nervous that I let myself neglect academics so much in the first month of teaching. Obviously, I thoroughly lesson planned each day, worked hard to stick to my schedule as much as possible and taught what I said I would teach, but the truth of the matter is my kids are not at the point I claimed I would have them at right now academically. My mind keeps pouring over the studies screaming the importance of Pre-K and readiness for Kindergarten on long term success and the guilt and worry at my own inadequacy as a teacher sinks in so deeply. I need to step up my game and do whatever it takes to get my kids where they need to be. I need to get creative and start implementing learning at EVERY point in the day. Recess, breakfast, lunch, bathroom breaks need to be filled with color flash cards, number flash cards and alphabet flash cards. Afternoon pick ups need to be reiterations of the lessons of the day and communication with parents about what to reinforce at home needs to be exponentially expanded. In all honesty, at the rate I am going, my Pre-K kids will not be ready for Kinder by next year so I have to step it up. I am just glad I have reached this realization now and not in December, while I still have time.
So as my roommates and TFA corps member friends finish their first week of teaching, I complete my first month, excited about my progress and strides in behavior, but scared of my neglect of academia. I have a lot of work to do.
Personally, I am exhausted. The last day I did not go into work was July 11th, over one month ago. All the deacons of the church where the school is located know my name and know that I am a workaholic, as they tap their toes late at night, waiting to lock up, as I beg for just five more minutes. The last time I worked less than 80 hours a week was the end of the May (right before TFA Institute). I am counting down the days until intercession (a three week break for year round schools) and praying that I will look back on my first quarter with pride and not regret, but nervous it will be reversed, a blow I am not sure I can take. I find myself a little homesick for the people I love and oddly sad to not be at RA training right now with my TCU friends (a phrase I never thought I would say) gearing up for another year with crazy 18 year olds experiencing their first taste of freedom. But alas, I am content despite the difficulty with things as they are right now. As cliche and narcassistic as it may sound, I do not believe there is anything more meaningful for me to be doing than the work I am doing right now. My kids love me so fully and without inhibition in a way that makes it impossible to let the intensity and pressure of the work t0 burden me. And vice versa. Plus in the roughest moments, the ridiculousness of the words that come out of four year olds mouths sweeten and lighten the urgency, often leaving me muffling back giggles when I should be enforcing the rules.
In reality, my students probably won't remember their experiences in Pre-K, I surely do not, but deep down I know the influence that I have the opportunity to have in their life is sensational and impactful, even if from day to day it often seems menial. I am not ready to give up yet and will keep fighting.
"Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting." -Napoleon Hill
I love you all and miss you! I'll see you September
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Small Strides
It has been another tiring and challenging week, but I have the smallest ounce of optimism to lurch me into another undoubtedly equally strenuous week. I had one tiny, but nonetheless significant victory worth sharing this week.
As I have mentioned on countless occasions, one of my most loveable, but absolutely mind-boggling difficult to manage students has a tendency towards violence, in the form of hitting himself until he bleeds, hitting others and myself. Working with three and four year olds, my top priority is safety and therefore, coming home with blood stained (sometimes my blood, often his) shirts everyday leaves me feeling defeated. But on Friday, I had the smallest breakthrough.
After meeting with a special ed teacher at another school, I was given the advice to stop giving attention to C when he acted out and give him LOTS of attention when he was behaving, as all his behaviors are attention seeking. Makes perfect sense, right? But also, in reality, how do you give appropriate care to a child who is bleeding onto the floor from punching himself or running out of the classroom towards the parking lot without enforcing the behavior with attention? How do you ignore him as he destroys the wall decor you spent four hours creating and hanging? Also, how do you purposefully give lots of attention to a child in the five minutes of peace he gives you when he is eating his breakfast quietly or listening to you during story time while still meeting the needs of the other 19 students?
My approach was simple after this meeting. Write his name on a piece of paper and every five minutes, give him a smiley face or a frowny face based on whether or not he exhibited JUST ONE target behavior. Attach x number of smiley faces to a reward and explain very explicitly the expectations.
On Friday, I unveiled my plan. Every five minutes C did not hit himself, others or myself, he got a smiley face. Ten smiley faces = nap time helper for Ms. Knipp. And it worked. For the first time ever, C did not bleed in my class from self destructive behaviors. He did push a few other kids and hit me a few times on the leg, but he still managed to complete a whole day without hurting himself. Let me tell you, it was difficult to go over and draw a smiley face on his page when he tore the entirity of my calender math off the wall, dumped out every manipulative I had on the shelf onto the ground and yelled that I was an "ugly MF" in front of the whole class. But he didn't hurt himself, which was the point. The other behaviors we have to take one day at a time.
So yeah, it is a small stride. And who knows, tomorrow the system might fail completely and he might act out more violently than he ever has yet. I hope not, but it is a possibility. But I HAVE to cling to this victory. I have to keep reminding myself and humbling myself that at my (now 21) years of living, I have never experienced the pain, suffering and hardship that this poor boy must have faced in his life to lead to this extreme and painstaking behavior. And I never will. He is so brilliant and resilient and I am constantly striving to change my perspective from frustration at his behavior to admiration of his extreme advocacy for himself to be heard, loved and seen. My job is not to change him, but to redirect the incredible strengths and assets into a form more acceptable and sustainable for success. In fact, it honestly does not even anger me when he acts out, it literally just makes me sad. He is so full of love, ingenuity and potential, but so poisoned by the woes of life that I have never felt. But he is not broken, he just needs a little patience, a lot of love and an absolute relentless determination from myself and our entire school to get him from A to B.
Please keep me in mind, for I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed, underqualified and fairly exhausted from time to time, but take comfort in the fact that I have not lost hope nor have I stopped trying. I am going to get my students where they need to be, whatever it takes. One small stride at a time.
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. " -Helen Keller
As I have mentioned on countless occasions, one of my most loveable, but absolutely mind-boggling difficult to manage students has a tendency towards violence, in the form of hitting himself until he bleeds, hitting others and myself. Working with three and four year olds, my top priority is safety and therefore, coming home with blood stained (sometimes my blood, often his) shirts everyday leaves me feeling defeated. But on Friday, I had the smallest breakthrough.
After meeting with a special ed teacher at another school, I was given the advice to stop giving attention to C when he acted out and give him LOTS of attention when he was behaving, as all his behaviors are attention seeking. Makes perfect sense, right? But also, in reality, how do you give appropriate care to a child who is bleeding onto the floor from punching himself or running out of the classroom towards the parking lot without enforcing the behavior with attention? How do you ignore him as he destroys the wall decor you spent four hours creating and hanging? Also, how do you purposefully give lots of attention to a child in the five minutes of peace he gives you when he is eating his breakfast quietly or listening to you during story time while still meeting the needs of the other 19 students?
My approach was simple after this meeting. Write his name on a piece of paper and every five minutes, give him a smiley face or a frowny face based on whether or not he exhibited JUST ONE target behavior. Attach x number of smiley faces to a reward and explain very explicitly the expectations.
On Friday, I unveiled my plan. Every five minutes C did not hit himself, others or myself, he got a smiley face. Ten smiley faces = nap time helper for Ms. Knipp. And it worked. For the first time ever, C did not bleed in my class from self destructive behaviors. He did push a few other kids and hit me a few times on the leg, but he still managed to complete a whole day without hurting himself. Let me tell you, it was difficult to go over and draw a smiley face on his page when he tore the entirity of my calender math off the wall, dumped out every manipulative I had on the shelf onto the ground and yelled that I was an "ugly MF" in front of the whole class. But he didn't hurt himself, which was the point. The other behaviors we have to take one day at a time.
So yeah, it is a small stride. And who knows, tomorrow the system might fail completely and he might act out more violently than he ever has yet. I hope not, but it is a possibility. But I HAVE to cling to this victory. I have to keep reminding myself and humbling myself that at my (now 21) years of living, I have never experienced the pain, suffering and hardship that this poor boy must have faced in his life to lead to this extreme and painstaking behavior. And I never will. He is so brilliant and resilient and I am constantly striving to change my perspective from frustration at his behavior to admiration of his extreme advocacy for himself to be heard, loved and seen. My job is not to change him, but to redirect the incredible strengths and assets into a form more acceptable and sustainable for success. In fact, it honestly does not even anger me when he acts out, it literally just makes me sad. He is so full of love, ingenuity and potential, but so poisoned by the woes of life that I have never felt. But he is not broken, he just needs a little patience, a lot of love and an absolute relentless determination from myself and our entire school to get him from A to B.
Please keep me in mind, for I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed, underqualified and fairly exhausted from time to time, but take comfort in the fact that I have not lost hope nor have I stopped trying. I am going to get my students where they need to be, whatever it takes. One small stride at a time.
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. " -Helen Keller
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