In Sync (Not the Boy Band)

The past few weeks have not been exceptional. In fact, it has been very routine. I work long hours, I have horrible days behaviorally (especially with my special ones all my friends hear me groan and growl over day after day), I have great teaching days and a lot of gray matter in between. Some days my kids get the material, other days I get blank stares. I work way longer than I mean to work every single night, but somehow I don't lose my steam. About two or three times a week one of my lovelies tells me something that humbles me and breaks my heart and about two or three times a week I completely lose my straight face and burst out laughing at something absolutely preposterous one of my kids said. It's up and down, but it is fluid. It's my daily rhythm. It stretches me and compresses me. It sustains me.

I came to this realization today when I had a meeting with my principal. We were discussing the progress of my students, my own professional and personal development and all things in between. We do not meet as often as we could and probably should, but when we do, it is always so meaningful and insightful. At one point in the meeting, my principal said, "You know I got the best compliment the other day from ___ (another one of my bosses). She said that I have a knack for picking employees who other people may not; but who turn out just right in the end, just like Hannah." She went on to say a couple people did not think I was the right choice in the beginning but she saw in me a passion that others do not have and knew that I would come through and she believed I had. She also said my haters (as I will henceforth refer to them) agreed that they had underestimated me. Granted a perfectionist of sorts would be boggled down wondering why said people were against hiring someone as absolutely wonderful as myself, but as I have never been a perfectionist, I will instead just be proud I made them question their own judgments and will of course, refer to them as my haters behind their back.

In reality, I am far from perfect in the world of teaching. There are so many things I am working to improve on and my work-life balance is far from reaching any sort of equilibrium. Not to mention, some of my students still don't know the simplest of concepts or are still behaviorally out of control--cursing, jumping on tables, you name it. But, it is nice to know someone sees progress is me. And I must admit, despite how historically hard I am on myself, I see major professional strides in me as well, which in all honesty, is the most meaningful reflection of all.

So I don't really have much to say. I know this is refreshingly brief of a post for my consistent followers, used to pages of rambles and stories, but I guess all I have to say is I'm in sync. Again--not the boy band.

I'll leave you with this quote. The prose is less than impressive, but witty in the context of the post. Also, I really just miss going to hockey games.

"I love proving people wrong." -Ed Belfour

Just Noticeable Difference

When I first realized as I opened the clean slate of a new blog post that I wanted to explain the "just noticeable difference" in the context of my classroom, I used my dear friend Wikipedia in an attempt to show me the real academic definition. However, left with sophisticated jargon and formulas way beyond my comprehension, I will explain it just as it was explained to me. So for my friends on the world wide web who are extremely proficient in science and academia, please excuse my incoming feeble attempt to explain the concept of the "just noticeable difference".

Imagine you are in a room with 5000 candles. Someone comes in and lights one more. You cannot tell the difference in brightness with your eyes because your perception is not that acute. However, if someone continually keeps lighting one more candle and adding it to the room over and over again, at some point, you would notice it got brighter. That is the "just noticeable difference". It is the nth candle that wakes you up and makes you realize, hey it is brighter in here, despite the fact that each and every candle before that was actually contributing to the brightness change.

Again, sorry for any scholars who may know that I have misinterpreted the concept or have been misled, if I am wrong, I am content with that because my definition of the "just noticeable difference" is perfect in this context.

Alas, after a long explanation, to the point. My class has reached the point of a just-noticeable difference. I have been astounded at the progress my students have appeared to make over the three week intercession and while I know I have been figuratively adding candles to their rooms day after day after day, it was hard not to walk in on Monday and think, wow these are different kids. The gains my kids make day to day are so miniscule that sometimes it is hard to perceive how much the miniscule differences add up to until you leave for awhile. Sometimes I wish so much I could go back and relive my first day of teaching, not changing anything, but just observing my kids and seeing how far they have come behaviorally, socially and academically from day one to now. Actually, I would love to see how much I have grown professionally as well. It would be a hard bet to discern which of us have grown the most--myself or the little ones, but either way, at least we are improving.

So today, I do not have a lot to say really, but I want to give you a story. To illustrate my point, I will bring in S, the ladies' man of the class. S came in extremely low and lacking any confidence. He was a huge behavior problem (and still is to some extent) although he was always very overshadowed by the bigger issues of the infamous T and C. Anytime S had a writing utensil, he would attempt to eat it or get up and run from the table. He refused to write out of fear of failure and if coerced into doing it, he would draw two or three straight lines and say, "me done". His mom reported a similar problem at home. Not only that, but in small group time, most of my kids favorite time as it involves more attention from the teacher, S would act out constantly and whine and fall out of his chair if asked to count cubes or do any sort of learning. In carpet time, S would hit other kids or try to make moves on the little girls but would never participate in class. His favorite past time was pulling at the tape of the rug and then eating it. And perhaps most disturbingly, when you would so much and touch S on the shoulder or try to grab him when he decided it was time to take a quick jog around the classroom, he would scream "OUUUUUH" and melt onto the floor like you had just tackled him. Obviously, on the quarter assessment, he was tied for the lowest score in both ELA and math and showed little progress. What disturbed me most; however, was his absolute lack of excitement to learn, a trait absolutely inherent in four year olds.

But now, for some reason, it clicked. We reached the point of the just noticeable difference and all the sudden my little ladies man is a new man. Not only is he participating actively on the rug, but he is getting the answers right. I here his little voice booming with the other kids with "rhombus!" when I point at a shape and I see his little arm waving excitedly to answer questions. In small groups, he is not only staying at the table, but he is often the first in his group to find the answer and proudly holds his little chest high. Perhaps most notably, he is now writing not just when required, but in center time, he is getting out pieces of paper and taking notes about the tall tall buildings he is creating in the blocks center. And he can now write his first name and is getting pretty good at his last name too. Behaviorally, he is excited to learn and on task most of the time; however, he still has some work. Nap time to S looks a lot more like gym, as he loves to run around the room and lay down, stand up, lay down, stand up all nap long (driving me INSANE I might add). Also, the kid is still absolutely fixated on eating inappropriate objects and is still chasing skirts like he is 16 instead of 4, but he has come a LONG LONG way. I cannot help but absolutely gloat in excitement at the progress of S. I must admit, at the end of last quarter, I was so worried about S, as he just seemed to not be willing to learn. But sometime between day one and now, he flipped the switch and now I am confident he is going to end the year, not just on par, but probably above some of the other kids.

I have a lot of stories like this from day one to now; however, S has such a dynamic little personality, I thought he was the story most worth sharing. I worked another long week this week and another tireless weekend and I had my fair share of trials and tribulations for the first week back. However, at the end of the day, if I don't focus on the just noticeable differences and I don't celebrate the little steps that can feel like leaps for a four year old, I will not be able to get out of bed in the morning. So while it may be unhealthy to dream about teaching letters and fall asleep hearing my para's voice echoing in my ear, "S, get that out of your mouth", I wouldn't trade it. I love my kids and so somehow in the absurdity that my life has become, I find peace and gratitude.

To end, I had a memory the other day of one Thanksgiving talking with my Grandpa Waier, probably sometime in high school, maybe early college about the future, ambition and what not and I remember the advice he gave me to this moment. I like to think at this point in my life, I am following his advice. He said it in his own words, but I never forgot the message and here it is:

"Find a job you love and you will never work a day in your life." -Confucius

The Rebirth of Optimism

After three weeks of MUCH needed recuperation, relaxation, or whatever you want to call it, I am feeling so incredibly pumped for quarter two. In all seriousness-I may need to see a doctor about how excited I am for Monday-this cannot be healthy. I miss my kids wholeheartedly, I miss teaching and I am pumped for my goals for this quarter. I could spend this blog ranting about the unforgettable shenanigans and fun times I engaged in while off in both New Orleans and Fort Worth or bore you with the details of getting my life together (i.e. buying a desk, obtaining a drivers license, etc) but this blog is dedicated to my classroom, so instead you must listen to me preach passionately about the achievement gap, my diabolic yet loveable kids and my entire experience in education reform.

Since my re-immersion in the classroom for prep time, which I sentenced myself to starting Wednesday, I have been on an upward spiral of happiness, reaching a peak today during our district wide professional development (unbelievable I know, but the truth). Usually, I am less than a team player when it comes to the absurdity of mandated trainings when I have a to do list that would put the most ambitious to shame, but today was different. Perhaps it was because yesterday, in an attempt to grow personally, I decided to go to a well known and successful private school in New Orleans for a quick observation. I spent two hours in this classroom, half expecting to come home sourly disappointed at my own performance as a teacher, but with a list 20 pages long full of ideas and changes for my own class. Surprisingly, however, I came home still sourly disappointed, but not at my own incompetence, but at the lack of impression made on me by the school.

I observed three Pre-K classrooms in this school and while their 15 or so female students were not yelling obscenities, getting in fist fights or generally raising hell, as my 20 co-eds love to do, I got the impression that these girls probably had not started at the same level of behavioral anarchy as my lovelies. Also, while the girls appeared to know significantly more than my kiddos, it was obvious yet again that their starting point was drastically different, as their teacher explained most of them knew all their letters and could write their name on the first day of school. So yeah, I guess I should be impressed, their girls were well behaved and smart, but the school seemed to lack ambition. The teachers had a lot less instructional time with the kids, lacked any sense of urgency in the classroom and seemed completely unconcerned with the results of their own teaching. Each teacher spent about 15-30 minutes chatting with me and often walked from room to room to ask the other teachers their weekend plans (which blows my mind, as I don't even get a chance to use the restroom during the day). What I gleaned from my time there was something along the lines of this mentality: we teach, some get it, some don't, then we go home. I am saying this is incorrect or they are bad teachers-I do not believe that, I am just stating my impressions. In reality, they do not have to fret at night worrying about the future of their kids because their kids come in on grade level and all they have to do is the bare minimum and their kids will stay right on track. Not to mention their kids have all the resources in the world at home, so their longtime success is likely not a worry, so I can't blame the teachers for treating teaching like a job, not a mission. My classroom starkly contrasts this picture. I have to work my behind to the bone day after day, integrating learning objectives during recess, lunch time, bathroom break and every spare second and I still toss and turn at night because my kids know so little. And if they don't catch up, my kids face the reality that so many of their dads, moms, brothers and cousins are already living-poverty or jail time. The reality is, this work is high stakes. The women at the private school do not understand my world. They do not understand working 80 hours a week, feeling legitimate anxiety at the fate of their students due to socioeconomic status or wondering on Sunday afternoons if their students are going to get lunch that day. They have no idea how to teach a child how to write their name that has legitimately never held a pencil (or perhaps even seen one) or how to teach a class full of 20 kids who have learned to push, bite and pinch in order to express their feelings. I realize I may be coming off self righteous or pity seeking, but I promise you I am not. I am not envious, I am not jealous, I am simply stating the truth of the haves and the have nots. Schools may no longer be segregated, but in so many ways they still are. Segregated by class (often unfortunately coinciding with race), segregated by achievement and segregated by the lives of our parents. But as I said, I am not jealous, but sad. I am sad because I wonder how much the educational system of today is cheating our children. I swear to you by the end of the year, my kids will be on grade level. It seems so obvious, but the more and more I look at my data, the data of the brothers and sisters of my students and the data of our school, I see just how far off our goal is. But my students will be on grade level because I am going to work tirelessly to achieve that goal. What makes me sad is that if the teachers in the private school continue to put in the same effort they put in when I observed them, their kids will also finish on grade level. But if they were to put in the same effort and have the same level of rigor and academic focus in the classroom as my school, I can only imagine how much further their little girls could grow. They have no idea how lucky they are to have a set of children already so primed to learn. And that is why the educational system is cheating us. Those who are behind, fall further and further behind despite the most dedicated persistence from teachers because sometimes when you are at a Pre-K level in 2nd grade, as many of our 2nd graders are, the gap feels so insurmountable. And for those on grade level or perhaps even above, many schools do not challenge and push further. As long as they pass the state tests-they are good to go. Our children as a nation are capable of so much and we just keep holding everyone to low standards. The poor cannot learn and the rich know enough seems to be the mentality. And people wonder how America ranks so poorly on the international surveys of school performance. Personally, I'm sick of it and this visit is the kind of thing which switched me out of mini summer break mode back into urgent mode.

Back to my original point, my excitement at professional development today. In the whole district setting, we spent time celebrating the victories of last quarter, discussing trouble areas and looking realistically at how much further or children have to go. We examined graphs of where the state expects each child to be at the beginning of the year, and how their scores should improve throughout the year and saw comparable ratios of improvement. Where the state wanted our kids to move up two points, our kids moved up two points. However, our kids started drastically behind the state standards and therefore, have so much further to go. We cannot continue at the expected rate and catch up, instead we must see more than a year of growth in a years time. Then, in our school professional development, we met in a room filled with a post it of each child K-2 (my kids do not take the test for another month) and where their STEP (a state reading test) level is compared to where it should be at the end of the year. Almost every single child at our school was on the Pre-Read level, the lowest level. This is the level my students should be at the END of Pre-K. We even had 2 second graders still performing at a Pre-K level. Only one student in the entire school was on grade level. Obviously, this news did not contribute to my happiness, but instead our outlook on the information overjoyed me. So many schools spend staff meetings planning homecoming parades, book fairs, and other special events, but not my school. While I see the value of such events, this is not what I signed up to do. I signed up to close the gap and that is exactly what we talked about all meeting long. I am lucky enough to be at a small enough school where we could brainstorm for individual children, figure out ways to best utilize our limited resources and figure out how to invest the families further. I know some of this went over your heads if you are not a part of the New Orleans education movement, so I will sum it up like this. In staff meeting, I did not feel like a run of the mill teacher, working every day out of a love for teaching and a need to pay the bills; instead, I felt like a real advocate of change, fighting for a cause so much more powerful than the monotony of the days. And that is exactly what I wanted out of this experience. Not to be a teacher, but to be a catalyst of change.

So now, even though it is Friday night and my friends are impatiently waiting for me to join them at a nearby bar, I feel compelled to share my passion for my work and excitement for quarter two with the likely less than impressed electronic world, as most days, nothing seems more important than the future of my 20 brainiacs. And now, in my last weekend off, I will probably spend the overwhelming majority of it at my school, singing obnoxiously to my pandora radio station while prepping materials, with annoyed church deacons at my classroom door insisting that I go home so they can lock up. But I do not envy any one else for their free time (what a thought!) or the general lack of stress in their lives because I can go to bed every single night knowing I am working for something that has real meaning and will get real results.

I love you and miss you all!

"Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you." -Bill Cosby