Unveil the fireworks, balloons, congratulations cakes, and words of encouragement because I passed the state inspections. After months of preparation, thousands (okay literally one thousand) of dollars, weeks of nightmares and hours of complaining at the injustice, the woman from the state came, breathed down my neck for 7 hours and then left, leaving me with a thorough checklist of all I failed at including just how many inches out of compliance our step into the bathroom is and how many inches off the ground our monkey bars are out of compliance. But, those small errors (some in my control, most not), do not matter because I PASSED. Unfortunately, the pay out for the work I put in is not exceptional. My kids are not suddenly ready to move up to the 99th percentile of Pre-K kids and my school program is not now considered the best in the state or any sort of a model of exceptional child care. But, I was not responsible for the shut down of a brand new Pre-K program, as I took the responsibility of buying and arranging the mandatory supplies, changing the schedule to meet the requirements, and essentially reading and complying to a 500 page manual on how Pre-K should be. As mentioned in previous posts, as I vehemently disagree with just about every part of the manual (minus the focus on language development and student-teacher interactions), my work towards this goal was not always enthusiastic, but wholly bitter. However, I am positive that had the state inspectors come in before I did all the work I did to be in compliance, our program would have been shut down. And since we were not shut down, I am proud. Hard to explain to people outside of my world, but I feel I deserve a party for my success. Start planning.
In other news, my kids and I have been on field trip overload as we are not allowed in the school for four days due to state testing (our rooms are being used for testing accomodations). I have successful shepherded 20 rambunctious four year olds around both the zoo and the aquarium. Now, this involves less planning and work on the forefront, but I also have the admit, I am pretty proud of myself for that feat. I have worked this job since July and never felt like a mom until the field trips. Something about being in public with my kiddos doing things outside the classroom and having them see me less formally has made me feel more motherly. As much fun as it has been, you will all be happy to know, motherhood is not something I am interested in anytime soon. Not for a very very long time. Next up, the movie theater and the children's museum. Wish me luck.
In other news, I am happy and optimistic for my plans post spring break. Come May, I am telling my kids it is their first day of Kindergarten and I am going to use the last 6 weeks of school to push them like I have never pushed them before. I know they are ready for the push and I am ready to challenge myself to really see how much they can learn. It's crunch time and I am prepared to start crunching.
No quote today. Insert your own quote here. :D
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Anger Management
I am livid. Not at my beautiful children, they are my little (sometimes demonic) angels. Not because I work constantly. I don't remember a time I didn't work constantly. Not at the level of responsibility I am asked to carry. I do well with pressure. I am mad at "the man."
I am infuriated at the negativity I receive daily from the person I work for. Never has anyone nitpicked me and attacked my credibility when I did not deserve it, not to this extent. Do not get me wrong, I oftentimes deserve a good nitpicking. As a perfectionist, I am usually the first and most diligent in finetuning my own performance. Atttempting the impossible task of perfection almost always brings you close to it. But for the first time ever, I am being torn apart not for the betterment of myself, not for the betterment of my kids, not for any other reason than petty ones. She does not like first year teachers. She does not like the organization I am a part of. And mostly, she does not like people who do not beg her for help. She has made all these facts crystal clear. And now I am left with the inevitable. Should I change the only part I have control over and grovel for her help and guidance when thus far, all the help she has given me has harmed, not helped me? Or should I stick to my stubborn values and not ask her for the supposed "help" she is dying to give me? In this case, I honestly do not know which route to take.
I know she will not fire me. With my student scores to back me, she would really have to have a good reason to terminate my employment. Also, even the most ridiculous and oftentimes inappropriate pieces of "advice" she has given me, I have immediately executed (even against my better judgment) in order to stay in good standing with her (not that she would ever acknowledge that I take her feedback). So maybe I should just let her hate me. But I can't take this. I come home from work everyday LIVID over some petty and mean remark or comment she just had to give me beneath the smirking, condesending smile. She has never spent more than 5 minutes in my classroom, but always finds at least 30 seconds a day to come in, look around and immediately tell me what I am doing wrong. But would insulting my own competence by asking for help I don't need just to boost the ego of a power hungry person result in enough of a change to sooth the wounds she has already carved into the surface of me. Or would it just leave a deeper more painful mark.
I honestly do not know what to do. I want to clarify, I am not above asking for help. I ask for help everyday. Coworkers and other leaders in my life who have proved to have the best interest of both myself and more importantly my kids in mind, I trust to ask for guidance. I do not trust her. I do not like her and I definitely do not understand her. And she definitely does not trust, like or understand me. So what do I do?
I'm asking seriously, not hypothetically because I am out of ideas. I tried upfront confronting her behavior (professionally and calmly I might add) and all she had to tell me was that I was wrong.
At this point, I am beginning to think she is either Lord Voldemort or that I am developing an acute case of anger mismanagement. It is probably a combination of both. Either way though, she might single handedly ruin the one thing in my life I adore right now. The thing I wake up for, the thing I miss sleep for, the thing I talk anyone who will listens ear off about--my job and my kids. And I cannot let her do that.
I am infuriated at the negativity I receive daily from the person I work for. Never has anyone nitpicked me and attacked my credibility when I did not deserve it, not to this extent. Do not get me wrong, I oftentimes deserve a good nitpicking. As a perfectionist, I am usually the first and most diligent in finetuning my own performance. Atttempting the impossible task of perfection almost always brings you close to it. But for the first time ever, I am being torn apart not for the betterment of myself, not for the betterment of my kids, not for any other reason than petty ones. She does not like first year teachers. She does not like the organization I am a part of. And mostly, she does not like people who do not beg her for help. She has made all these facts crystal clear. And now I am left with the inevitable. Should I change the only part I have control over and grovel for her help and guidance when thus far, all the help she has given me has harmed, not helped me? Or should I stick to my stubborn values and not ask her for the supposed "help" she is dying to give me? In this case, I honestly do not know which route to take.
I know she will not fire me. With my student scores to back me, she would really have to have a good reason to terminate my employment. Also, even the most ridiculous and oftentimes inappropriate pieces of "advice" she has given me, I have immediately executed (even against my better judgment) in order to stay in good standing with her (not that she would ever acknowledge that I take her feedback). So maybe I should just let her hate me. But I can't take this. I come home from work everyday LIVID over some petty and mean remark or comment she just had to give me beneath the smirking, condesending smile. She has never spent more than 5 minutes in my classroom, but always finds at least 30 seconds a day to come in, look around and immediately tell me what I am doing wrong. But would insulting my own competence by asking for help I don't need just to boost the ego of a power hungry person result in enough of a change to sooth the wounds she has already carved into the surface of me. Or would it just leave a deeper more painful mark.
I honestly do not know what to do. I want to clarify, I am not above asking for help. I ask for help everyday. Coworkers and other leaders in my life who have proved to have the best interest of both myself and more importantly my kids in mind, I trust to ask for guidance. I do not trust her. I do not like her and I definitely do not understand her. And she definitely does not trust, like or understand me. So what do I do?
I'm asking seriously, not hypothetically because I am out of ideas. I tried upfront confronting her behavior (professionally and calmly I might add) and all she had to tell me was that I was wrong.
At this point, I am beginning to think she is either Lord Voldemort or that I am developing an acute case of anger mismanagement. It is probably a combination of both. Either way though, she might single handedly ruin the one thing in my life I adore right now. The thing I wake up for, the thing I miss sleep for, the thing I talk anyone who will listens ear off about--my job and my kids. And I cannot let her do that.
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