I must preface that this post will be less than the tried, but optimistic and hopeful posts I usually dish out like a "As seen on TV" product. I might not highlight the rare but meaningful stories of success sandwiched between the overarching trial that is my job at the moment and show the arbitrary glimpses of incredible self-assurances in my ability to overcome. Today, I have to let some of my insecurities surface.
This morning I woke up at the unearthly 7am after collapsing into bed at the less than impressive 10:30pm. Perhaps it was from the exhaustion of a really hard week coupled with having entirely too much fun the weekend previous, but for the first time in awhile, Friday night was just not happening for me. So this morning, I woke up feeling compelled to be creative, to write a blog, to create some mediocre poetry, to appreciate the beauty of hardship around every corner. But instead, I drug myself to school, only to find it locked. Drug myself to my favorite coffee shop to work, only to realize I left my money at home. Then drug myself home, only to discover I could not work until I debriefed my current situation. So here goes nothing.
I feel so desperate over T. For those of you who know me well, you know right now, T is the crux of my existence. From the first day of school until right now, I have spent hours talking to his mother, his grandmother, his father and the nursery worker who is housed in the same building who has been working with him since infancy. I have spent nights tossing and turning about my failures with him thus far and my doubts that I will not be able to redirect his seemingly inevitable path. I have tried method after method to tame the beast, so to speak and have only seen short and brief glimpses of semi-success, always overpowered by a quick reversal to old ways. I remember distinctly on the first day of school, the nursery worker said, "It took us six months to get him under control" and I remember talking with my para saying, "Well, let's give ourselves three." I hate to say it, but my three months are up and the progress is little to none. The worst part is, he is second to last in my class academically due entirely to his behavior and shows no sign of progress anytime soon. I hope you realize I am not exaggerating when I say how much time I spend dreaming and scheming about this boy.
So for those of you who may not know the tendencies of T, let me paint you a short profile. Here is a typical day with T. He comes into my classroom and immediately walks to something he is not supposed to do before putting away his backpack (i.e. centers, another child, attempting to take three cereals) saying inevitably something along the lines of, "I go to Chuck E Cheese" (I know it is weird, but literally it is all the kid talks about). I calmly talk him down from whatever is tempting him at the moment and some days, he will go put away his bag and get breakfast quietly. He then either eats breakfast quietly or the tantrums start. He either decides he does not want what we are serving, refusing to eat, but screaming loudly if we take away what he was given. Or perhaps he decides to start punching or yelling at another child at his table until we have to make him eat alone. Then the tantrums really start, bearing the similar pattern, with phrases being screamed such as, "Leave me alone!" "No" or my personal favorite, "You are getting on my nerves". If he is really angry at this point, he begins to run around the classroom, laughing and screaming for about 10-15 minutes. Once down from that high, he eats breakfast and then it is time for centers. We tell him he cannot have centers because of his conduct and another tantrum follows suit. Then it is time to go the rug and someone is the sharer of the day. He then throws a tantrum every 19 out of 20 days when it is not his turn. Then he wanders around the classroom for the remaining 25 minutes of rug time, knowing full well he will not get centers. Then centers comes and due to his wandering, he does not get centers. Hence another tantrum. Eventually he cools down from the tantrum and about half the days, he makes it to the tail end of centers and then keeps it cool for music and calender time, the other half he does not, depending on if he has calmed down. Then we have another set of centers and groups and that is his group time. During group time, he inevitably screams that he is not at centers, so he is the last to pick his color of manipulatives, as I let the kids who sit quietly pick first. He then throws a tantrum if someone else gets orange (literally orange is the only thing he seems to be invested in) and then I tell him he cannot play at all until he stops screaming. He then throws another tantrum and then eventually realizes he can play if he just calms down and usually is back for the last 3-5 minutes of the small group lesson. Journal (the other small group) typically goes well. Although you never know with T. Then we have bathroom break (which is ALWAYS silent) because the kids know if they talk, it is five minutes of their recess. T always speaks during bathroom break (and he is the only one who has multiple chances during bathroom break, but he still runs through all of them in less than 2 minutes), resulting in five minutes of recess being taken away and then throws another tantrum. We tell him he cannot eat lunch until he calms down from the tantrum and usually after the other kids have been eating for about 10 minutes, he is ready to eat. Sometimes he still refuses to eat because he is upset it is not pizza, until we tell the kids it is time to throw away their food, then he will begin to shove it down reluctantly. Then we go to recess, which he does not get for being ridiculous the entire day and he is the only kid to NOT touch and hold during recess, resulting in him never being released from time out, when all the other kids do their time and move on. Even though he always should miss all of recess, we tell him if he can touch and hold against the wall, we will let him have the last five minutes. It never happens. If it does, he then throws a tantrum when recess is over and sometimes runs out the gate in an attempt to stay longer. Then we come in from recess and half the time, he is so tired, he will sit through story time quietly. The other half, he has tantrums because he was not picked on to volunteer, he is still mad about recess or just because he is having a bad day. We then have nap and it goes one of two ways. Some days he sleeps. Best days ever. Other days, he gets up and runs around the classroom (i.e. on top of tables, on top of centers, running on kids heads who are asleep) until my para and I work together to catch him and hold him down. He then screams really loudly his favorite phrases ("Leave me alone!" "No!" and again my favorite, "You are getting on my nerves") until he eventually gets tired and falls asleep. After nap, it goes one of two ways again. He either wakes up rested and goes to eat his snack without much ado. If this happens, the rest of the day is perfect. He eats his snack, he sits through lesson quietly and enjoys centers the rest of the day. Or he wakes up angry, throws a tantrum, snack gets taken away, he misses the lesson and gets centers taken away, resulting in complete chaos until 3. However, even on the days the afternoons go well, the day always ends on a negative note, as a tantrum ensues at 3pm every day when he does not get announced the Superstar of the Day (with the exception of once out of every twenty days). And that is T.
I should explain what his tantrums look like, just to fully illustrate. Hitting. Lots of hitting. Other kids, me, my para, anyone. Running. Lots of running. Running in the parking lot, the classroom, out the classroom, down the hall. Yelling and screaming. Lots of yelling and screaming. Yelling his key phrases and literally screaming just so that the other kids cannot hear my teaching or instructions. And occasionally, destroying. Lots of destroying. Grabbing every single box in my centers and throwing them on the floor. Tearing things off my wall. And the list goes on. The newest tantrum he had this week involved going onto my rug and peeing his pants on purpose all over the rug. Then laughing.
Out of fairness, I should say some positive things about him. He is the most loving kid ever. When he does calm down, he says sorry very sincerely (although usually after coaxing) and gives you the sweetest hug in the world. He loves his baby sister a lot and when he is not having a tantrum (so about 10% of the day), he is actually a very well behaved and calm student. He loves to participate and every once in awhile, he even shows some empathy and caring to the other kids in the class (i.e. when another one cries, saying, "it's okay" and patting their back. His parents are really invested in his behavior and are really working hard with us to try to get it under control. I mean, his mom comes constantly to watch him and when she does not come, we always discuss the day. So there are some positives, but sometimes it is hard to remember.
I realize how incredibly negative and non strength focused this post sounds. Part of me hates myself for writing it and the other part of me has to get it out somehow. I am running out of ideas with this child. The only times he ever behaves is when he gets his way, when his parents sit in on class (and take him into the bathroom and beat him if he does even one thing wrong) and that is about it. And when his parents leave, he immediately throws a tantrum or misbehaves more than his usual, as if to spite us for bringing in family. I literally talk with his mom at least 4 times a week and she observes him about 2-3 times a week, sometimes for the entire day. I take videos of him during his tantrums and show both his mother and make him watch it. We talk constantly about good choices and bad choices and I try so hard to keep my tone positive with him, even when I want to cry. He gets so many second and third and twentieth tries and I give him more attention easily than anyone else in the entire class. Maybe my entire life. I call on him immediately when he is behaving and brag on his good choices all the time, but it is not enough. I tried a check in check out system with him for every five minutes for the entire first three months of school, but I think it is time to admit, it just did not work. It worked wonders for C, my other little once terror, now fairly under control love, but for T it is just not working. The nursery teacher suggested I am harsher with him, told me to yell at him, growl at him, do whatever I have to do, but I do not believe that is the answer. Sometimes she takes him out of class, but he always comes back eating skittles and smiling, so I am not sure what she is doing is working. And he cringes and flinches when his parents gesture at him, knowing he what is coming and I do not think that is right. I am not saying I am against spanking or that his parents are bad, in fact, I think they both love him a lot. I am just saying, whatever is going on at home, it is not working as evident in his behavior at school.
I do not believe this child needs anymore yelling or hitting in his life. His family punishes him with yelling and hitting and I believe that is where he learned these horrible behaviors. But because of it, that is literally the only thing he responds to, violence and screams. And even if I screamed at him, I think he would still act up because he knows I will never hit him. But I do not know what to do. I love this child so much (although my post might suggest otherwise), I assure you I do. But I just do not know what to do. If I cannot get him under control, he is going to go to Kindergarten academically behind and a behavioral nightmare. At this point, I would suggest another year of Pre-K, but it is impossible to hold back a child in Pre-K and so my time is running out. I do not think he needs an evaluation or medication, because I have seen glimpses of a studious and well behaved boy in between the tantrums and I think his behavior is learned, not inherent. If I can get him under control, I believe I can catch him up academically (because he does learn fast when he is sitting still and not screaming) and I am sure next year, the transition will be easy. The stakes are so high and I am low on ideas.
My next step. I am working with my principal to set up a meeting with her, my para, our supposed district social worker (I've never met him/her--so I have my doubts) and the family about more positive child rearing techniques. But I just don't know.
So if you have encouragement or suggestions, send it my way because right now, I know I am failing this little child. He is sweet and loveable and very smart, but right now, the only side of him I see is intense anger, destruction and violence. I cannot let him fall between the cracks. I am lacking confidence that I can do it, something I usually do not lack, but I know I care and I know I won't give up, so I hope that is enough. His little future depends on it.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not" -Dr. Suess
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