Pointedly Untitled

For the first time in a long while, my past few weeks seem to lack a fluidity and thematic element usually typical of my amateur blogging. Usually, the title comes first to my blogs. Some central idea captivated in clever word play allows the unloading of whatever thoughts I feel worth sharing. However, not today. Significant events seem disconnected and almost like an essential plot piece is missing in the novelity of my life. There are about 100 directions I can choose to take this post and as someone who has always been adamantly opposed to brainstorming (much to the distaste of my former english teachers), feel welcome to step in for the journey through the tangled web of my reflections.

Adjusting to a new staff and a new school ten times the size has been surprisingly smooth for my ducklings, but exasperatingly frustrating for me. Up until this point, I have taken for granted the amazing powerhouse of a school I worked at, where all that mattered was child prosperity, teacher sanity and team unity. Now I am at a school where it is easy to become entangled in the hierarchy of power and for child success to take a backseat to personal pride and logistical convenience. Without boring you with details, I am mainly speaking to logistical issues which I feel are inappropriate for my students (bus routes, exposure to older kids, etc.). While my friends and family may say I have been less than maturely ranting about the injustice of this revelation, I call it advocating.

After taking a quick weekend retreat to Denver for snow skiing and R & R, I came back to school this week invigorated to fall into line and brown nose my way into a more comfortable work environment. However, the self-dubbed "Pre-K guru" at my school who I have already had more than a couple passively tense interactions with said humbly that she was intimidated by me because I was stubborn (I prefer passionate) when it mattered for my kids. Probably not intended as a compliment, I took it as just that. As a 21 year old vegetarian former social work major I view myself as quite possibly the least intimidating person in the world. In fact, I think the only thing that could possibly make me less intimidating would be if I walked around holding a small kitten at all times. However, I often forget that not everyone speaks their mind as I do and I am not ready to give that up for an easier time at work. I realized that maybe brown nosing is not for me. I remembered that for me, this job is not about a paycheck, yet definitely not charity. For me, this job is about improving the one part of my kid's life I have control of---their education. And if that means I have to continue to speak my mind over the quietly hinting cleared throats from the non confrontational types, I will. I truly believe that as long as I approach each of these interactions from a state of respect and understanding for the other person and genuine best interests of my students at heart, I can be the person I want to be for my students. Besides, as long as I have the evidence of my student data, support of my student families and meet/exceed work expectations, what can anyone really say against me. I never wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be a positive influence in any and every way I can in my students life and by quietly standing by, I am not doing the job I signed up for.

Speaking of speaking my mind. Here is the other thing that has been on it. The concept of "saving the black kids". Yes, I know I just breached the subject of race, the highly sensitive and taboo topic avoided by all well respecting polite types. Perhaps it was stepping out of the vortex of my New Orleans circle of friends (comprised wholly of teachers--hate to say it), but going home hit me with a new wave of those subtle, but suggestive comments from well intentioned passerbys. The idea that black children are living in some sort of desperation and need a hero, a superman of sorts (pun very intended), to come save them from the evils of their community filled with violence, under-education and poverty. Granted, I know the reality of the community my students live in is probably even worse than the stereotypes generated by said passerbys. Just today, I discovered another one of my students has witnessed domestic abuse and was humbled yet again to find out one of my students lives in a 2 bedroom with only a half bath and at least 5 people in the residence (although my guess is closer to 7). The reality of low income communities is dim, however, something about this saving technique is bringing me into frustration. Do my students really need to be saved from their own community--their parents, their neighbors, their brothers, their sisters OR does the community just need the tools for success? Obviously, I believe the latter, but I have no idea how to articulate it to people who do not seem to get it. Perhaps my mind has been brainwashed with strengths-based social work and the naivety that comes with youth, but I can say that my kid's parents (by and large) are not evil or oppressive, but ill-equipped. At the risk of sounding like an infomercial, I am NOT volunteering my time and energy to the poor black kids, as unfortunately many people seem to view this work, I am investing in a better future for all of America, one where my little gremlins reach their full potential because they have the tools to overcome the societal oppressions holding them back in other areas. My limited brainpower will never be able to fully grasp the societal and historical causes that created the reality of dire income disparities between people (often correlated with color), but I know that it is not the people in the community that I work in that need fixed. Instead, the community I work in just needs some tools that have been withheld for too long. So, I do not see myself as a philanthropist, I see myself as a entrepreneur, finding the greatness hidden from the general public and cultivating it into something amazing.

So not to leave you with a nonspecific and preachy post, but that really is my specialty. Because at the end of the day, who would I be if I did not voice my opinion like it was the absolute truth? I can only believe what I believe and I can only believe it with a passion that must be spread.

"To see things in the seed; that is genius" -Lao Tzu