At the more than halfway point through quite possibly the most tumultuous series of events in my life, I pause from looking forward to the finish line to reminisce on the starting point in July.
Last Monday, my reflection on the "back when" of July was sparked by at long last receiving a new student to replace S who I was never able to win back in November. Z is not particularly a misbehaved student or a behind student, although he certainly did not come in at an above average behavioral and academic level. In fact, he is exactly on par with where all my other students were in July. Which is not saying much. He solves his conflicts with a swift punch, he writes his name with a quick scribble motion and a finite "I'm done" throwing down the pencil he holds incorrectly and yells out at several points in the day, "I wanna go home" "What that is?" or my personal favorite, "I get centers now?" freqently. Most humbling perhaps, was h is complete lack of knowledge of not only the vocab "criss cross applesauce" but the actual process of flexibility entailed in getting into said position.
At first, I was quite frankly alarmed at his conduct and knowledge. Considering my lowest student in the class does not even scribble anymore and writes 8-9 letters out of her 10 letter name and my worst behaved students do not even punch for something as small as a cut in line, I wondered where in the world this kid came from.
However, looking back to July, I remembered the days of Ms. Knipp's class that I tried to block out. I remembered C bleeding from a self inflicted punch to the nose. I remember 3/4 of the class scribbling while incorrectly gripping the pencil. I remember most students unable to repeat "C" after pointing to the letter C and saying "C" aloud literally 5 seconds earlier and worst of all, T not even knowing yellow from blue. I remembered the lifelong battle of teaching students how to raise their hand and not just blurt out whatever the heck came in their mind. I remembered the horror of 3-4 accidents a day in class, 5-6 crying kids over missing home, someone failing to share or worst of all, a sentence to a 2 minute time out (the horror!). Now accidents, tears and blurt outs are not extinct, but largely diminished within the walls of the Pre-K class.
While I often find my self esteem bloated when I look at test scores, old work samples or just anecdotal observations of improvement, nothing could have been as rewarding as seeing a ripe never been to school 4 year old thrown into the mix of my superstars. I hate to say it, but I honestly did not believe in July they could get to where they are now. Today, I awarded C the coveted "Principal's Breakfast Award" (only one other student has received it this year) for demonstrating respect. The student who used to call me the ugly mother effer, now the most respectful student in class, well I must admit, I did not think I would see the day.
So I have a LONG way to go with Z. It is hard right now to stay positive about the situation, as I worry about only having half a year to get Z where his peers have had an entire year to get. The material I am teaching has gotten very rigorous (sounding out words, cause and effect, basic word problems in math, counting to 50+), yet Z lacks all the basics (any knowledge of letters, words vs. pictures, counting to ten) and will still be held to the same standards. Also, due to his arrival, some of the kids have decided to re-test the cardinal rules of the classroom (pushing in line, yelling out on the rug, etc) and I have had to quickly dispell the myths that I have gone soft-which is anything but the truth. But, just like my doubt in my abilities to get my kids into the calm, well behaved, little geniuses they have become, I will just have to prove myself wrong with Z.
This whole TFA experience has taught me a lot, about what I know, what I believe and what I wish for our country and our children. I believe that I have done nothing in my life as important as what I am doing now. I believe in the importance of early childhood education and want it mandated. I believe in happy hours after long weeks with coworkers. I believe that unfortunately, TFA is not the be all end all of educational inequality, although I wish it were. I believe that TFA is mostly effective, although some serious changes probably need to occur. I believe that children are capable of more than we can imagine and I believe that I am capable of more than I can imagine. I believe in sink or swim. I believe in great parents in all communities and that most parents are better than people give them credit for. I also believe parents are blamed for too much, often not warranted. However, I also believe bad parenting (not necessarily bad parents) can have dire consequences. I believe in educating the family, not just the student. And I believe in celebrating the small things and small victories, and on the flip side, taking time to grief the small pains and cuts of life. I believe in a social life, but I also believe in being a workaholic sometimes. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I also believe in standing up strong when you know you are right. On that note, I believe in picking your battles. I believe in tough love, but most importantly, love in any form. I believe in hugs and high fives and jumping up and down with four year old kids when things are tough. I believe that my students are the future.
"If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all." -Pearl S. Buck
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