Well here I sit at 10:32 on a Thursday night, thinking about how I should be in bed, considering I will be waking up in 7 hours, my mind racing, unable to rest despite intense exhaustion.
Institute has completely flown by. Tomorrow is a much anticipated Friday, as after school, we have completely 100% off from Friday at 5pm to Tuesday at 5am. Then we have Tuesday-Friday and Institute is over. Five weeks of stress, four weeks of teaching kids way behind grade level against insurmountable odds and six weeks of living in the bubble of the TFA world.
It is hard to admit to myself how much more work I need in order to develop as a teacher. I am working such long hours and with such relentless pursuit and vision, but all factors are just expounding the difficulty of the situation. I am not one to admit when I struggle, but I will be one hundred percent honest, TFA is simply hard. Coming into a classroom with kids who are not only at an academically behind school, but are the most behind at the behind school (hence the summer school assignment) is overwhelming.
At this point, I don't know if I have made my academic goals for my students. I know I have not taught everything that I have wanted to as effectively as I have wanted to. I am confident in the relationships I have built with my students, but I desire more time with them. I know my impact has not been substantial enough, but at the same time, I know that I must look forward. I still have five school days left. Five more chances to really work with purpose and persistence to help change the life trajectory of the nine students I have been assigned this summer. My students this summer have for sure developed me as a teacher and I hope that in these last few days, I can develop them as students, as achievers and as dreamers.
I wish my post was full of more success, more results and more excitement. Unfortunately, that time has not come yet. Obviously, there have been so many small successes. I have seen a lot more investment and excitement about learning in my classroom this week and I know that is the direct result of my commitment (with the direction of TFA staff) to increasing positive classroom culture and desire to achieve. In particular students, I have seen academic growth and behavioral changes that make me proud. Most notably, I see my students developing a slight, but significant beginning belief in their own capabilities. However, I will not settle until I have 100% academic, social and behavioral growth from all students and I am beginning to realize that may mean that I am always growing as a teacher, never accepting myself as good enough, but always capable of doing more. Teaching is a huge commitment and while I may not have all the answers, I will not give up.
On a side note, I got hired! As I mentioned, the last day of Institute is July 8th and on July 9th I will be heading back to NOLA (which makes me so happy--I am already in love with the city!). Then, I start my professional development at a Renew Charter School July 11th (yes I realize that is an impossibly quick turn around) and I begin teaching regular ed Pre-K July 18th at a brand new school in the district. I will have a maximum of 20 students and an aide.
As of right now, I am so ecstatic to think about the amazing impact I can have at my students and have already started mapping out my academic expectations and goals for my students. They are going to be Pre-K students that think and act like 1st graders. Ambitious, yes. Achievable, with a little determination. Okay, maybe a lot.
Basically, life is a little up in the air now. I have a job, but no place to live. I have no idea what it is like to teach Pre-K and I have never even seen my school. As far as I can tell, after Monday, the next weekday I won't be working does not come until September 6th (aka Labor Day). However, despite my complete exhaustion, I am excited to go into the next phase of the adventure. If you never take a risk, you will never grow and although it has barely been a month of TFA world, I can already feel myself growing and extending in ways I never knew possible. I am excited to see what the next two years have in store for me. Countless possibilities lie ahead of me and while I know I will have so many nights of feeling inadequate, overwhelmed and stressed, this is the job for me and I will grow and help others grow somewhere in between the hard times.
I'll end with a quote from one of my favorite beat writers. Applicable and inspiring thoughts to reflect on...
"Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road." -Jack Kerouac
I love each of you and if I haven't talked to you in a long time, it's not because I don't love you, I'm just busy. Do not fear though, you are in my thoughts :D
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