The Close of Institute

On a rainy Sunday afternoon in New Orleans, I sit in the comfort of a nostalgic double dorm room and look back on the past few weeks of my life.

Institute is over. Five weeks later and leaving New Orleans for Atlanta seems like a century ago. I worked with nine potential filled 3rd grade reading students desperate to make it to 4th grade putting in my best teaching effort. But my results are not impressive. Transformational summer change is not a way I would describe my student's experience, although every drop of blood in my heart wishes I could say otherwise. At the beginning of the summer, we tested our kids DRA score (or reading level score) and hoped to improve their score by 6 points on the same test by the end of the summer. That was our measurable goal. Obviously, our bigger goal was for our students to pass the CRCT (the ticket to 4th grade), but with the results not coming for weeks and the logistics of communication, we cannot measure that goal. So we got our results for our measurable goal and they were, quite frankly, average. We had three students meet their goal.

One of our students who reached his goal was the smartest in the class when looking at reading level and general comprehension, however, he had a strong history of misbehaving (mostly from never wanting to stop talking) and was easily distracted. By the end of the summer, he had really internalized the message that hard work=fourth grade, college and beyond and worked hard. While he was the best reader at the beginning, he stilled improved his reading drastically and I am proud of that. However, if I could go back, there are a few things I would change about my work with him. He did not improve enough. He worked hard, but not his hardest. His behavior was inconsistent (perfect sometimes, destructional to learning often) and he knew he was smart, but did not apply himself fully all the time. From other students and our faculty adviser, I heard he rushed through the CRCT and likely failed it again (last time he failed because he got distracted and didn't read the story). Sure he improved, but I am hesitant to say it was enough. That is on me. If I could go back, I would change a lot of what I did with him. I really showed him I knew he was smart (because he was SO smart), but I did not show him how when he got distracted/off task in class, it negatively impacted him. I let him get away with misbehaving often because his break down after was too much work to deal with and I knew he would still generally get the material if he half listened. I am upset with myself for doing this and wish I had another chance, but as is the paradox of summer school, time is so very limited.

Another one of our goal reachers was the second lowest reader in the class. This student started out the year very nonexceptionally. He listened in class, he paid attention and he was generally liked among his peers. He frequently talked out of turn and rarely grasped the material, but he was likeable. However, a few days into school, we learned that this student would do ANYTHING for us if we told him we would write a note home to his grandma about his good behavior. He conducted a 360 academically, socially and behaviorally when we discovered this gem. He was the ONLY student who did his homework every single night without fail and even asked to fix his homework during lunch so he could master. Obviously, he won our race to the top, CRCT competition. He raised his hand frantically at every class question and was the first to volunteer to pass out papers, help another student or act as a "line monitor". He began mastering daily objectives from day to day and while he still got in trouble frequently (usually for loud exhales of frustration when we didn't call on him), he was truly invested in learning. Not to mention, the last week of school, he stopped even remembering to ask for letters home and simply worked hard because he loved learning. I say with certainty that he learned more this summer than any of the other students and if I were to guess if anyone passed the CRCT, it was him, our second lowest reader. We definitely did something right with him. The last day of class, we had every student share what they wanted to be when they grew up and this student said proudly with a puffed chest, "President of the United States".

Our other student who met his goal I must say honestly I did not predict would at the beginning of the year. This student was exceptionally quiet in class, never volunteering, rarely answering (and if he did answer, it was inaudible) when asked even nonacademic questions by a teacher, and generally sporting an "I don't care" attitude. He had 14 brothers and sisters and told us after awhile that his dad was in jail. Observing him with his peers at lunch, it was obvious he was a cool kid. He walked with a certain swagger and was always elbowing and whispering jokes to his friends at lunch before erupting into hyena like laughter. Not only did he carry himself like a cool kid, but he had a mohawk just to seal the deal. Despite this bad boy attitude, this student HATED getting in trouble. HATED it. This student moving his card down resulted in head on the desk silent tears for at least the next 30 minutes of class. It was so obvious this student was terrified of failure and just tried to be as invisible as possible during class. Not only were breakdowns caused by bad behavior, but by wrong answers or even the friendly, but dire reminder that we need to take summer school seriously, or the fourth grade would not happen. We worked SO hard with this student, trying to understand him, invest him and get him involved. I am not quite sure how we did it, but somehow we got him there. He became a model student, raising his hand frantically to answer questions, working well with a partner to try to find the right answer during guided reading and sitting with his chest puffed up in active listening position patiently waiting for his peers to do the same. His assessments were up and down. Some, he exceled at. Others, despite his best listening, he just didn't get. Same with the breakdowns. Some days, he freaked out. Other days were good days. But we got better at measuring this student, knowing how he would react and keeping him upbeat and confident in the hard times. Personally, this student was one of my favorites. I wish I could have had more time with him to REALLY get through some of those fear of failure things more than just as little as we did this summer. I think our gains with this student were wholly positive and he was definitely a challenge, but I am not sure if he passed the CRCT. I think he was committed and I am sure he gave it his all, but honestly, he had a long way to go to get there and we never quite got his behavior consistent enough to really teach him. Hopefully, we can be optimistic though that maybe the engagement stage we finally got him in (at least usually) will be transferred to either his repeat of 3rd grade or beginning of 4th grade year. Only time will tell it seems.

Our other five students improved, but not by our goal. I am not suprised at this fact, and I could go into a case study of all five of the students and what I could of, should of and would of change, but there is one more student I must highlight first.

Our student who de-proved. It breaks my heart. She was such a sweetheart. Never once did you have to tell this student to pay attention, her eyes were always locked on you, she was silent in class and she followed every direction. Also, I was her favorite teacher. She would frequently write on papers, I love Ms. Knipp or grab my hand in the morning walking in the hall. She was a very low reader, but an amazingly well behaved student. She was that student who you almost forgot about because she was just so much easier than the other students. And I forgot about her. And her scores show it. She did not get the material. She simply didn't. She did not volunteer in class, unless we said something like, "good fourth graders always raise their hands, even if they might not be right" and her hand would shoot up silently. She never passed the assessments. She never mastered the homework, although she did it nightly. And I just accepted it. She was so well behaved and was doing the work, so why does she need special attention? Why did I let her turn in homework that was NOT perfect, when I could have had to redo it at lunch, like I had my other student do? Why did I not call on her more to make sure she was really listening and not just looking at me? Why didn't I tutor her during breakfast (surely she would have loved the attention) or spend more time with her during guided practice making she was grasping the material when I was usually trying to get the other kids on task? I simply let her fall through the cracks. I joined TFA to keep people from falling into the cracks, and here I am five weeks later, with the student who loved me most falling face first. I am positive she did not pass her CRCT. I am sure she learned little to nothing in class. And, somehow, she actually became a worse reader than she was the beginning of the summer. I am ashamed of my work with this student and I hope that someone else down the road can be the teacher for her I was not.

Teaching is hard. Teaching low income students with an ingrained history of failure, a litany of home issues and limited resources is harder. Yeah, I have some good stories. I did some things this summer to really help my students grow. But, it was not enough. There is so much more I could have done and absolutely should have done. I am regretful for so much, but reflective of the changes I must make so that I never have another student de-prove on my watch.

On Monday, I start my first week of professional development with Renew. The next Monday, I meet my Pre-K kids. I am optimistic, but also cautious. I want my last blog at the end of the year to speak to EVERY one of my students meeting their big goal. I want every story to be one of inspiration, not just one or two. This is not my job, it is my calling and commitment. I am not teaching to pay the bills, I am teaching to change students lives, even 3 year olds. Sure there are so many things I can blame for my less than impressive results this summer, but I refuse to do so. Home issues, school logistics, student starting points are out of my control. However, my work ethic and commitment are one hundred percent in my control. Therefore, I am going to take control and take ownership that my students results depend on myself alone. This year is going to be hard, but I will do this for my students because all students deserve the education I had and better. I want my student this summer to become the President and I know he can. I need to give the tools to all my students to reach even their most far-reaching goals as such.

So I leave you with this quote. It may be dark, but I think it fits with the reflective and oppositional nature of my summer.

"Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was though a young person died for no reason. In those days, though, the spring always came finally but it was frightening that it had nearly failed."
-Ernest Hemingway (A Moveable Feast)

In other news, I should be moved into an adorable four bedroom house over the course of the next week with three TFA teachers, so Hotel Hannah should be opened up for business soon for my closest friends and family, if my work schedule gives me any breaks (which feels unlikely). Also, I should have an address soon, so if you want it, let me know.

Love and miss you all!