I have come to the striking conclusion that the world is so much bigger than myself these past few weeks. It may seem trite and it may seem obvious, but this is a genuine message I have encountered before and will encounter again. I remember grasping this reality when I was trudging through the ever encompassing foliage of the village of Zirobwe hauling heavy gerry cans of water as small and strong children of Africa smiled sweetly and shyly as I labored. I remember seeing a peek of the truth late at night at a hospital holding the hand of a woman who was homeless as she awaited her sexual assault examination, hurt, but not broken. But somewhere in between the meaningful moments in Africa, in the hospital, at the home of a person with HIV, I forgot how meaningless my personal woes are in the grand scheme.
This post may be preachy; however, for those of you who know me, you know I am opinionated and unafraid to offend, so preachy is consequentially, the way I was born to be.
As someone devoted to independence, personal freedom and self reliance, I have spent my whole life lecturing my friends on codependency in relationships, insisting on doing things by myself and craving the adventures in new places with few to no connections (despite the fact that I know it terrifies my family, particularly my dad--sorry dad). But these days I am realizing just how interconnected and interdependent we all really are.
I have worked so hard this week. As I have worked so hard every week this summer. Tomorrow is my 21st birthday and my plans to celebrate are none. I will go to work at 6am, I will most likely work until 8, 9 or 10 o clock. Then, as a zombie, I will retreat to my room, collapse on my bed and dream feverishly of how much more I could be helping my students. But this does not upset me. How can I live with myself if I sit around and wish that I had some blow out party for the "biggest birthday of my life" when I have the both the incredible opportunity and tremendous responsibility of helping 20 young children leap over the bottomless correlation between low socioeconomic status and low academic success? How can I possibly concern myself with shots, bars and beers when I have the alphabet, classroom conduct and counting in my mind? Maybe I need more work-life balance as my coworkers, friends and roommates reiterate to me, but I disagree. Sure I am working a lot. Sure it is the only 21st birthday I will ever have, but I LOVE my kids and I believe if you truly love someone, you will do everything and anything for them. So despite the disapproval of 2o somethings all over the world, I will choose to acknowledge that I am small, the trivial details of my life are just that-trivial, and I will work relentlessly for positive change, even if it means an anti-climatic answer to future "How did you celebrate your 21st?" questions in late night conversations. Besides, I have always considered myself a bit existentialist when it comes to stereotypical celebrations, so here is just one more way I can fight the man, so to speak.
Joking aside, I am beginning to really know my kids. I wish I could tell you they are improving rapidly, learning a lot and now act like angels in the class, but I am not that good of a teacher and it just takes time. But I will get them there. Instead, I am starting to jump into the depths of the harsh reallities some of my children have faced at only four. One of my kids called me a m____ f____ wh___ in class the other day, giving me a glimpse into the horrible things he has already witnessed at such a young and tender age. This child has also been recycled through many foster homes already, probably explaining his behavior disturbances at only four. Another child's mom gave me the picture of a man who is never allowed in school due to a previously abusive relationship and another child reminded me quietly that her dad was dead. I am by no means blaming the parents of any children or trying to give evil characteristics to my student's families, so many family members have been so supportive, giving and loving towards their child and really committed to their academic progress. Instead, I am just stating the fact that my kids have it hard. How can I complain over a lack of sleep or an inadequately diet when I am stuffing a couple of my kids backpacks with food on Friday, knowing that food will be scarce over the weekend.
I have worked in low income communities for a long time in many different respects. Whether it was with people who were homeless, in the slums and villages of Africa or at community centers, I have definitely been exposed to the truth. But as mentioned before, it is easy to forget. I just get so caught up in to-do lists, interactions and day to day ponderings that I forget to reflect and walk in the shoes of my students. So here I am, a social work major well acquianted with the haves and the have nots, letting it sink in like it is new information. Not to make excuses for poor grades, unacceptable behavior or lack of drive in my students, but to understand and push. My students do not have life easy, but if I let that get in the way of my instruction and expectations, I will keep them exactly where they are. So I have to both acknowledge and emphasize with the struggles of my students, but also PUSH PUSH PUSH for the best work possible so that just maybe, their life can get easier. Obviously not now at the ripe age of 4, but maybe at 20. Maybe their 21st birthday can be spent in financial security, surrounded with a life of meaning, purpose and drive working towards something bigger than themselves. I also realize that at least in part, I will not assume to know how large of a part, they depend on me to get them there. It is a big responsibility and one that I took willingly. Yes I am tired, yes I want a break, but I took on this responsibility because it is the only fulfillment in life worth seeking in my eyes. So yes, at nearly 21, I have decided to make myself small for the larger cause of my students and I am completely content in my decision.
So if you think I am losing my mind, forgetting to care for myself or fallen off the face of the planet, you are probably right, but please understand that I am doing it for something bigger than myself. In the reality of the world, we are all connected and my happiness depends on the development and success of my students, not on my social life, free time or anything else.
I love you all and please keep my students in your thoughts!
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garmet of destiny. Whatever affects on directly, affects all indirectly." -Martin Luther King Jr.
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