Academic Awakening

*Note: This was originally written Sunday afternoon. I forgot I never posted it until just now. Enjoy!*

Before absorbing the afternoon ponderings of an exhausted soul, please excuse the stream of consciousness writing and lack of attention to detail and focus on the content, not the subpar presentation of the following message....

After another unholy amount of work this week, things are coming together in some areas and falling apart in others. I am learning how to really manage C and T and the routines and procedures of my classroom are finally starting to sink in with my students, making me feel less like a failure at the end of every day. One of the higher ups came into my classroom this week and said in a shocked voice, "Wow, it is like a completely different classroom this week compared to last week." Torn between taking it as a compliment and an insult, I choose to ignore the burn of the obvious shock in her voice and focus on the message--I am getting it together. My focused and relentless work is paying off, at least slightly. My students are not quite there behaviorally, but every day it gets a little more in reach. T is having less frequent tantrums and even got recess for the first time ever on Thursday, earning him the coveted title of the "Superstar of the Day." C only hit himself once over the entire week, left me with no visible markings (although I did get hit more than once) and even began to significantly reduce the episodes of cursing and running out of the classroom. C and T are adapting well to the happy/frowney face system, craving happy faces like little addicts and communicating well how their behavior relates to the subsequent faces. The entire class is also aware of and invested in helping C and T get their smiley faces and occassionally asking for smiley faces themselves (which I draw with my finger on their hands as a happy compromise). Overall, my students are transitioning more smoothly, following directions quicker and beginning to share and interact in a more healthy way. I can ALMOST take a breather after one entire month of teaching.

But then comes the scary part. Academics. With my intensity of focus on culture, behavior and routine, the end of the first unit is almost to an end and my goals are NOT going to be met. I just finished creating my unit one assessment (letter identification, name recognition, number recognition, shape recognition, colors, etc) and am realizing how many objectives I barely covered, skimmed over or rushed through due to behavioral concerns. Granted it is only the first unit of the first quarter of the year, but I was hoping to NOT already be behind. Unfortunately, unless I REALLY make some HUGE changes in the next week, most of my students (even my highest performing students) will probably not master the objectives from unit one. Of course when creating my year long plan, I left some wiggle room for remediation and back tracking, but I am nervous that I let myself neglect academics so much in the first month of teaching. Obviously, I thoroughly lesson planned each day, worked hard to stick to my schedule as much as possible and taught what I said I would teach, but the truth of the matter is my kids are not at the point I claimed I would have them at right now academically. My mind keeps pouring over the studies screaming the importance of Pre-K and readiness for Kindergarten on long term success and the guilt and worry at my own inadequacy as a teacher sinks in so deeply. I need to step up my game and do whatever it takes to get my kids where they need to be. I need to get creative and start implementing learning at EVERY point in the day. Recess, breakfast, lunch, bathroom breaks need to be filled with color flash cards, number flash cards and alphabet flash cards. Afternoon pick ups need to be reiterations of the lessons of the day and communication with parents about what to reinforce at home needs to be exponentially expanded. In all honesty, at the rate I am going, my Pre-K kids will not be ready for Kinder by next year so I have to step it up. I am just glad I have reached this realization now and not in December, while I still have time.

So as my roommates and TFA corps member friends finish their first week of teaching, I complete my first month, excited about my progress and strides in behavior, but scared of my neglect of academia. I have a lot of work to do.

Personally, I am exhausted. The last day I did not go into work was July 11th, over one month ago. All the deacons of the church where the school is located know my name and know that I am a workaholic, as they tap their toes late at night, waiting to lock up, as I beg for just five more minutes. The last time I worked less than 80 hours a week was the end of the May (right before TFA Institute). I am counting down the days until intercession (a three week break for year round schools) and praying that I will look back on my first quarter with pride and not regret, but nervous it will be reversed, a blow I am not sure I can take. I find myself a little homesick for the people I love and oddly sad to not be at RA training right now with my TCU friends (a phrase I never thought I would say) gearing up for another year with crazy 18 year olds experiencing their first taste of freedom. But alas, I am content despite the difficulty with things as they are right now. As cliche and narcassistic as it may sound, I do not believe there is anything more meaningful for me to be doing than the work I am doing right now. My kids love me so fully and without inhibition in a way that makes it impossible to let the intensity and pressure of the work t0 burden me. And vice versa. Plus in the roughest moments, the ridiculousness of the words that come out of four year olds mouths sweeten and lighten the urgency, often leaving me muffling back giggles when I should be enforcing the rules.

In reality, my students probably won't remember their experiences in Pre-K, I surely do not, but deep down I know the influence that I have the opportunity to have in their life is sensational and impactful, even if from day to day it often seems menial. I am not ready to give up yet and will keep fighting.

"Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting." -Napoleon Hill

I love you all and miss you! I'll see you September